"It's just not enough"
For a girl that rarely feels like enough for anyone or anything that sentance can devestate.
My trainer said that it's not enough for the loss I'm aiming for to just work out 2-3times a week. He said that if my nutrition was better it could be ok. He said if my nutrition was perfect it would be perfect. I thought, "If I was better...."
But my nutrition sucks. I thought, "I suck"

I'm overwhelmed with how much of what to eat when. When I get overwhelmed enough I just shut down and do nothing. I shrink back and withdrawal because I don't want to look stupid or like I don't know anything. I have denial down to a science.
I condemn myself with harsh and nasty words blaming my laziness and stupidity for the choices that I'm making. I get frustrated that I'm not losing a million pounds a minute and that I still get out of breath when I go up the stairs to many times.
I started holding my breath again.
I can see in my head the actions to take but I just can't seem to get my body to put forth the effort.

I'm going to try something different. Something new. I'm going to try to remember that I'm worth the effort. That I deserve to be healthy and happy. Because most of the time I forget that or believe I've never really known it before. So if I forget from time to time (all the time) maybe you could remind me.

Posts that may only be slightly related:
Learning to Breathe
The Only Balm
Still Broken


Pete said...

I'll remind you now that you are totally worth it, and I'll remind you every chance I can.

jake - aka the comment novelist said...

I think you're gorgeous inside and out, and I wish that you could feel that way about yourself more often.

Let me know what I can do to help, and I will, cause you are SO worth it.