The only balm

I read this on ye olde forum today and this quote in particular took my breath away.

That first service was excruciating, in that it seemed to tear all wounds
wide open, and it was profoundly comforting, in that it seemed to offer the only
possible balm.

What I've been so afraid of, what I've been hiding so desperately from God is a wound that deeply longs to be healed. It is an obsession and distraction that only serves to keep me at a distance from him. But the wound has healed a bit, improperly at best, but there has been a scabbing over, ripping open, and scabbing over process going on for years. This pursuit that God is in, to claim the very deepest and darkest region of my heart hurts. It hurts.
So I run, so I hide, so I go deaf and mute, blinding myself to the only possible balm.