men·tal·ly /ˈmɛntli/ –adverb
1.
in or with the mind or intellect; intellectually.
2.
with regard to the mind.
im·paired /ɪmˈpɛərd/ –adjective
1.
weakened, diminished, or damaged:
2.
functioning poorly or inadequately
3.
deficient or incompetent
What is it to be mentally impaired? Is it just the physiological aspect of how our brains work, or don't work?
Mental impairment after trauma, that's not really a physical attribute is it? Wouldn't that be considered emotional?
I just don't know.
This idea of how our brain works, how our bodies respond to stress is so mysterious to me. The way we often get sick just as we have the opportunity the rest and have downtime, or the way grief has a way of shattering our thought process and hindering our ability to communicate effectively anymore.
There are days that I feel so mentally impaired I don't know how I make it through the day. These are days when my thoughts feel so scattered and disconnected, which in turn cause my relationships to feel that way to. Sometimes, I want to say things to people so much, but find my thoughts paralyzed and impaired in a way that doesn't allow me to share what it is that I so deeply want to share.
Regardless of the fact that crap has happened in my life, it's just crap. But there are days that I feel so diminished, so less because of some of that crap.
I'm sure it's just the sickness talking, because I have my 4th head cold in as many months.
But I was reading a blog today and it got me thinking about this impairment we have, and how sometimes our impairment is more visible then others.
Like brokenness, our damage and impairment can be easily hidden between smooth lines, jokes, and good works. We can dress up our impairment, comb its hair, put on a tie....but it is still impairment isn't it?
How much can a person process, bury, forgive before it's to much? Is there ever a point that is enough? Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7, but by keeping count does that mean that you aren't really forgiving? How many times then can I continue to feel this anger, hot and burning towards him without figuring out how to move past it?
This man that is my mental impairment is haunting my dreams and conversations. So many times I've forgiven him and this anger still boils. Reconciliation isn't really an option.....because he is no longer living.
But I just get so mad that I can't see strait. I get mad so I won't see the anguish that is in pushing his gift to the back of my closet, that is recoiling at stories of his goodness and strength.
He was not good, he was only good at lying. He was not strong.
A wise man told me a story about a similar situation in his life. He said that he had to learn hard truths about someone that he believed to have been so good, so true. This wise man said that he also had to learn that this person in his situation was fallible, human, imperfect.
Part of my problem is I put people on pedestals, I want them to be so perfect, to remain spotless in their integrity. I'm better then I was, but not as proficient at it as I would like.
It's especially hard for me in regards to people from my past, from when I was a kid, teenager and wobbly adult.
I don't know how to do this, and I want to do it right....so it will be finished. So I can hear this man's name without feeling my heart ripped in two for the hundredth time. So I can remember what was good about him without it being tainted by that which was horrible about him.
My mental impairment is most likely curable. If I don't pick at it, if I don't nurture the bitterness that grows seemingly overnight in regards to this man. But I don't know how.
12.28.2007
12.27.2007
Verbalization is always helpful
"The way that time-consuming brokeness of the world problems seem to come in downpours."
I read that on this blog:
http://paradoxuganda.blogspot.com/
I know their situation is much more dire then mine, like a million times more, but this sentance seemed to verbalize the overwhelming grief I've felt in the last 48 hours in regards to the needs of the needy. (School of Redundancy School anyone?)
Looking at the big picture is bad somedays. Thanks to deano for that clarification this morning. But I think that sometimes the big picture can be necessary, it spurs us on to action and prompts us to make decisions we may be to scared to otherwise make.
I read that on this blog:
http://paradoxuganda.blogspot.com/
I know their situation is much more dire then mine, like a million times more, but this sentance seemed to verbalize the overwhelming grief I've felt in the last 48 hours in regards to the needs of the needy. (School of Redundancy School anyone?)
Looking at the big picture is bad somedays. Thanks to deano for that clarification this morning. But I think that sometimes the big picture can be necessary, it spurs us on to action and prompts us to make decisions we may be to scared to otherwise make.
This struggle to give birth
I feel slightly less crazy today then yesterday, but only because I got some good rest. How odd is it that something as simple as rest can refresh your view on the world? It's amazing that our bodies were built in such a way that rest is required to keep moving.
I released all that was in me to deano yesterday, over a very impassioned message. It felt good that his response wasn't flip, wasn't writing my thoughts and ideas off as frivilous or impossible. He encouraged me and gave me some tangible ways to move forward with the whisper of a dream that is in my heart.
I can see the end point clearly, almost so clearly that I think I can reach out and touch it. But I'm still at point A. I don't know how to traverse the path to the end. This internal dialogue that I've been having with myself, these ideas and motivations, thoughts and dreams have gone unspoken for so long, that I'm concerned speaking of them will cause them to dissapate somehow.
I want to have these conversations with people, but don't know how to begin them. How to tell them what is going on in my heart. I'm afraid of the discouragement I will encounter and that the discouragement will cause me to turn back from what has been haunting my thoughts for years.
It's like I'm birthing a new life and this is the gestation period. What does it mean for the plans I've begun making not even a month ago? At what point should plans cease and begin to move in a new direction? How do I know which direction to move it? What will I do if I get to the destination and it's not what I see now?
All of these questions, all of these doubts are my own. It would almost be better if I could doubt someone else, doubt their fidelity and honor. But it is mine that I doubt. My ability to speak clearly to the whisp of a dream that is starting to spark, my ability to put my foot down and really follow where I feel like God is leading me, my ability to say that and not be afraid that people think I'm a crazy religious fanatic.
This gestation period of refinement is burning and stretching me in ways that I'm not entirely comfortable with. But growth is not exactly supposed to be comfortable all the time right?
Is this just me being tired? Me being cranky and restless? Is this me feeling to close and dependant on someone and wanting to flee to save my heart?
I know the answers will be provided, I know the path will be made clear, if only a few feet at a time.
Perhaps this is why I'm not good at long term plans, because I get frustrated when I can't predict. When I try to predict and it doesn't pan out I feel like a failure....even though I've learned so much more in the process then I could have ever hoped to have learned had the path been straight and narrow.
So thanks deano....you crazy pancake maker you. It felt nice and encouraging to be heard without judgement.
I released all that was in me to deano yesterday, over a very impassioned message. It felt good that his response wasn't flip, wasn't writing my thoughts and ideas off as frivilous or impossible. He encouraged me and gave me some tangible ways to move forward with the whisper of a dream that is in my heart.
I can see the end point clearly, almost so clearly that I think I can reach out and touch it. But I'm still at point A. I don't know how to traverse the path to the end. This internal dialogue that I've been having with myself, these ideas and motivations, thoughts and dreams have gone unspoken for so long, that I'm concerned speaking of them will cause them to dissapate somehow.
I want to have these conversations with people, but don't know how to begin them. How to tell them what is going on in my heart. I'm afraid of the discouragement I will encounter and that the discouragement will cause me to turn back from what has been haunting my thoughts for years.
It's like I'm birthing a new life and this is the gestation period. What does it mean for the plans I've begun making not even a month ago? At what point should plans cease and begin to move in a new direction? How do I know which direction to move it? What will I do if I get to the destination and it's not what I see now?
All of these questions, all of these doubts are my own. It would almost be better if I could doubt someone else, doubt their fidelity and honor. But it is mine that I doubt. My ability to speak clearly to the whisp of a dream that is starting to spark, my ability to put my foot down and really follow where I feel like God is leading me, my ability to say that and not be afraid that people think I'm a crazy religious fanatic.
This gestation period of refinement is burning and stretching me in ways that I'm not entirely comfortable with. But growth is not exactly supposed to be comfortable all the time right?
Is this just me being tired? Me being cranky and restless? Is this me feeling to close and dependant on someone and wanting to flee to save my heart?
I know the answers will be provided, I know the path will be made clear, if only a few feet at a time.
Perhaps this is why I'm not good at long term plans, because I get frustrated when I can't predict. When I try to predict and it doesn't pan out I feel like a failure....even though I've learned so much more in the process then I could have ever hoped to have learned had the path been straight and narrow.
So thanks deano....you crazy pancake maker you. It felt nice and encouraging to be heard without judgement.
12.26.2007
You are the God who sees me
I've been reading these two new blogs. I found them on a prayer request post on a forum I visit. I'm hooked. They are medical professionals living in Uganda and serving as missionaries. It's so amazing to read through the archives, one just started, the other started in 2006, and read about their struggles, their answered prayers, their hope and triumph. Being the morbid person I can be I also find it so encouraging to read about their defeats, their recent involvement (and isolation) in an Ebola outbreak that has recently raveged the area they serve in.
It begins to put into perspective the life that I lead. I read a letter yesterday that made me physically ill. This issue that I'm so desperately wanting to be closed and over with is not, and I'm still not sure when it will be. I've left the final decision up to someone else that is involved, for various reasons, not the least of which is that I love her and know she wants to do something in response to this letter we received and the accusations that accompanied it. But the thought of trudging through this process again, isn't that bad. I mean, it's crap, but everyone has crap right?
But reading these testimonies of endless days, being the only 911 available to people, the satisfaction of falling into bed knowing that you have wrung every last possible drop of productivity and helpfullness out of the day, it just stirs a desire that is so deep inside of me that I can scarce describe what it is.
There is so much need in the world, so much hurt, so much disease, poverty, hopelessness. All I want to do is leave everything and help. Everything in me cries out to do whatever it is I can to help. Some days it seems like I don't do enough, other days it seems like I'm helping as best I can.
I've talked before to some of you....or maybe on here I can't remember....about how need can be so big and overwhelming, how we can't look at it all at one time because then we would be so overwhelmed that we would do nothing. The quote from Mother Teresa that reverberates through my head is one of a question she was asked. The person asked her, how did you manage to carry so many thousands of people off the street. She replied, well I picked up one, carried him inside and set him down. Then I picked up another.
Today is one of the days, that I feel so torn between wanting to run to Uganda and do anything my non-medical self can do to help, when I want to sell everything I own just for the chance to help a little more. Today is one of the days that I'm looking at the big picture and this groaning in my heart, this cry that keeps coming back to do more, be more, help more is getting louder and I feel such an urgent need to verbalize what it is that will come from this heart cry.
Is this truly where my fear of commitment comes from? This idea that if I were committed to a person, a family, a home that I would be unable to run to places all the time where there is need. Is this just me fleeing from the letter yesterday and all the memories it brings back to the forefront of my mind?
I just don't know.
All I know is I am so encouraged that these groanings aren't some crazy mental break when I read the stories on these blogs. Our church has been talking about going to Ghana in '08 to visit missionaries that we support. When I was talking about it with my friends later that week one of them said he'd never go to a country where there were cholera outbreaks. But you know, if there was a way for me to have walked out of their house and onto a plane headed for Africa that day I would have.
It's all so exciting and terrifying at the same time. I feel like I'm hurrying through a process that God has set out for me and I do not want to do that. Because I know, there are things I need to "fix" (for lack of a better phrase) before I can move through this stage.....now all I need is the courage to fix those things.
I got the OT on audio bible for Christmas. I started Genesis this morning and am so excited. I was at the part (since it's audio I don't know the verse, and I don't have an OT handy to look it up) when Hagar had fled Abraham and Sarah's house after she had conceived Ishmael. An angel appeared to her by the well and told her to return to their house, and that God had not forsaken her. She replied by saying that she would because He was the God who sees her.
I have spent so much time feeling unseen, invisible and worthless. But God always saw me. He always saw me no matter what I was doing, where I was, or how anyone treated me. He sees me now. He sees this groaning in my heart and he's answering me.
No matter how far you feel from God, from family, friends, or even any peace, God sees you. He has not forsaken you and he pants after you and desires you more then we can possibly imagine.
It begins to put into perspective the life that I lead. I read a letter yesterday that made me physically ill. This issue that I'm so desperately wanting to be closed and over with is not, and I'm still not sure when it will be. I've left the final decision up to someone else that is involved, for various reasons, not the least of which is that I love her and know she wants to do something in response to this letter we received and the accusations that accompanied it. But the thought of trudging through this process again, isn't that bad. I mean, it's crap, but everyone has crap right?
But reading these testimonies of endless days, being the only 911 available to people, the satisfaction of falling into bed knowing that you have wrung every last possible drop of productivity and helpfullness out of the day, it just stirs a desire that is so deep inside of me that I can scarce describe what it is.
There is so much need in the world, so much hurt, so much disease, poverty, hopelessness. All I want to do is leave everything and help. Everything in me cries out to do whatever it is I can to help. Some days it seems like I don't do enough, other days it seems like I'm helping as best I can.
I've talked before to some of you....or maybe on here I can't remember....about how need can be so big and overwhelming, how we can't look at it all at one time because then we would be so overwhelmed that we would do nothing. The quote from Mother Teresa that reverberates through my head is one of a question she was asked. The person asked her, how did you manage to carry so many thousands of people off the street. She replied, well I picked up one, carried him inside and set him down. Then I picked up another.
Today is one of the days, that I feel so torn between wanting to run to Uganda and do anything my non-medical self can do to help, when I want to sell everything I own just for the chance to help a little more. Today is one of the days that I'm looking at the big picture and this groaning in my heart, this cry that keeps coming back to do more, be more, help more is getting louder and I feel such an urgent need to verbalize what it is that will come from this heart cry.
Is this truly where my fear of commitment comes from? This idea that if I were committed to a person, a family, a home that I would be unable to run to places all the time where there is need. Is this just me fleeing from the letter yesterday and all the memories it brings back to the forefront of my mind?
I just don't know.
All I know is I am so encouraged that these groanings aren't some crazy mental break when I read the stories on these blogs. Our church has been talking about going to Ghana in '08 to visit missionaries that we support. When I was talking about it with my friends later that week one of them said he'd never go to a country where there were cholera outbreaks. But you know, if there was a way for me to have walked out of their house and onto a plane headed for Africa that day I would have.
It's all so exciting and terrifying at the same time. I feel like I'm hurrying through a process that God has set out for me and I do not want to do that. Because I know, there are things I need to "fix" (for lack of a better phrase) before I can move through this stage.....now all I need is the courage to fix those things.
I got the OT on audio bible for Christmas. I started Genesis this morning and am so excited. I was at the part (since it's audio I don't know the verse, and I don't have an OT handy to look it up) when Hagar had fled Abraham and Sarah's house after she had conceived Ishmael. An angel appeared to her by the well and told her to return to their house, and that God had not forsaken her. She replied by saying that she would because He was the God who sees her.
I have spent so much time feeling unseen, invisible and worthless. But God always saw me. He always saw me no matter what I was doing, where I was, or how anyone treated me. He sees me now. He sees this groaning in my heart and he's answering me.
No matter how far you feel from God, from family, friends, or even any peace, God sees you. He has not forsaken you and he pants after you and desires you more then we can possibly imagine.
Quote from a blog I like
"Today the waves pounded hard on my mind and the tsunami in my soul ravaged. "
This is the link:
http://yoggerinuganda.blogspot.com/2007/12/heavy-weight-of-reality.html
I read this and my mind stopped, thinking about how aptly that described how I feel some days.
This is the link:
http://yoggerinuganda.blogspot.com/2007/12/heavy-weight-of-reality.html
I read this and my mind stopped, thinking about how aptly that described how I feel some days.
12.25.2007
Merry Christmas
Christmas afternoon and not a person was stirring not even Mickey Mouse that Matthew got this morning.
I'm exhausted.
Yesterday I got up and went downtown to CGM. It was lovely. I overheard a man asking Charles where he's been staying at. Charles replied that he's been able to stay at the shelter lately. This man said that Charles was lucky, because he's been sleeping outside.
It's been in the 20s and 30s out at night.
Can you imagine? As you snuggle down in your covers, curl up a little tighter behind your lover, can you imagine sleeping outside?
Christmas Eve Eve this man said the police were rousing him from all of his "beds" and telling him to move along. So he ended up just walking around all night, literally walking around because there was no place for him to sleep.
I looked at his eyes, and he was just weary. That weary that we think we know, when we can't go another step, well he felt that way, and had to keep walking.
Another guy that I see regularly down there said that someone stole his coat while he was sleeping, stole it right off of him! I mean, there are days that I forget my coat, or don't want to wear it, but I'm outside maybe, MAYBE, 20 minutes....this man lives out there.
Jesse, who I see almost all the time, who has a slow, sweet smile every time he sees me was there. The baptists were there this Monday so I was running back and forth to the kitchen for them, so I almost missed him. I went over and gave Jesse a big hug, wished him a merry christmas and he smiled, slowly and sweetly back, and said merry christmas too. I asked him how he was doing, and he smiled again and said, "Oh, I'm alright, how are you?"
I mean it's almost so simple this joy they have in a meal, fellowship with other people, warmth. All these things that time and time again I take for granted, all these things that make me want to be cranky and snap at people around me when I don't get my way.
I saw Terry too. He gave me a big hug and an odd kiss on the shoulder, but I know he means well. Whenever I oversleep, or am out of town he misses me and that makes me feel special. I mean, how odd is it that I go to serve and leave feeling more served by them? God is so good.
I talked to a woman with the baptists (she was also baptist, and no I don't really know while the label is important) and she told me this great story about how she and her husband are really being refined and re-molded by God. They have sold their huge, expensive house, they are downsizing everything in their life to as close to only what they truly need as possible, so they can do more to bring glory to God then they would be able to. They're realizing that it's just stuff, and not really stuff that matters. Which makes my heart smile. I mean, how great is it that people are doing that on their own!? How great is it that this woman was shining so bright as she told me about all these things they are without that only a year ago would have made her think life was over without them? She spoke about this lightness that she and her husband have, that continues to grow as they continue to sort through the needs and the wants, the necessary, and the "it would be nice". Amazing. I find it absolutely amazing the things God does in the simplest way, with the quietest urging of our hearts.
Oh, and I finally got to talk to a man named Clyde. I told him the town I grew up in was named Clyde. I've seen him quite a bit, but have only just gotten the opportunity to talk to him. He was kind, funny, and entertaining. He had to get back to dish duty so we couldn't talk long, but he was so nice.
Our family went driving around and looked at Christmas lights, and attempted to go to bed early....but that didn't work out to well. I've been reigning with an iron first over Skip-Bo with Jeff, he hasn't won ONCE! hahahahahahahaha!
Up at 6 to get over to Sharen's for presents. It was fun seeing the kids get so excited over their gifts. I got some candles, perfume, lotion, mixing bowels, and the Bible Experience Old Testament on CD, which I super wanted.....the OT is hard to push through sometimes, but maybe that has more to do with the fact that I read right before bed ; )
I've made more chocolate, did some laundry, and am ready for a freakin nap!
The only thing that could have made this day better would be to see Jerry (SML, I know if you're reading this you're about to have a fit, but even if I'm okay with not seeing him I can still miss him so swim away from the worm!) This is the first Christmas in 7 years that I haven't seen him Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, and I wasn't really aware of how much I would miss that guy.
So I hope that you've had a merry christmas, I hope that you've taken the time to look around at your friends and family and let them know you love them, that you appreciate them. I hope you know how blessed you are to be inside today, to be warm, to be so full you have to undo your pants (if you didn't wear an elastic waist). I hope that you have hope today, hope that if things are bad, they will be better, hope that if things are dark, light is just around the corner.
Merry Christmas!
I'm exhausted.
Yesterday I got up and went downtown to CGM. It was lovely. I overheard a man asking Charles where he's been staying at. Charles replied that he's been able to stay at the shelter lately. This man said that Charles was lucky, because he's been sleeping outside.
It's been in the 20s and 30s out at night.
Can you imagine? As you snuggle down in your covers, curl up a little tighter behind your lover, can you imagine sleeping outside?
Christmas Eve Eve this man said the police were rousing him from all of his "beds" and telling him to move along. So he ended up just walking around all night, literally walking around because there was no place for him to sleep.
I looked at his eyes, and he was just weary. That weary that we think we know, when we can't go another step, well he felt that way, and had to keep walking.
Another guy that I see regularly down there said that someone stole his coat while he was sleeping, stole it right off of him! I mean, there are days that I forget my coat, or don't want to wear it, but I'm outside maybe, MAYBE, 20 minutes....this man lives out there.
Jesse, who I see almost all the time, who has a slow, sweet smile every time he sees me was there. The baptists were there this Monday so I was running back and forth to the kitchen for them, so I almost missed him. I went over and gave Jesse a big hug, wished him a merry christmas and he smiled, slowly and sweetly back, and said merry christmas too. I asked him how he was doing, and he smiled again and said, "Oh, I'm alright, how are you?"
I mean it's almost so simple this joy they have in a meal, fellowship with other people, warmth. All these things that time and time again I take for granted, all these things that make me want to be cranky and snap at people around me when I don't get my way.
I saw Terry too. He gave me a big hug and an odd kiss on the shoulder, but I know he means well. Whenever I oversleep, or am out of town he misses me and that makes me feel special. I mean, how odd is it that I go to serve and leave feeling more served by them? God is so good.
I talked to a woman with the baptists (she was also baptist, and no I don't really know while the label is important) and she told me this great story about how she and her husband are really being refined and re-molded by God. They have sold their huge, expensive house, they are downsizing everything in their life to as close to only what they truly need as possible, so they can do more to bring glory to God then they would be able to. They're realizing that it's just stuff, and not really stuff that matters. Which makes my heart smile. I mean, how great is it that people are doing that on their own!? How great is it that this woman was shining so bright as she told me about all these things they are without that only a year ago would have made her think life was over without them? She spoke about this lightness that she and her husband have, that continues to grow as they continue to sort through the needs and the wants, the necessary, and the "it would be nice". Amazing. I find it absolutely amazing the things God does in the simplest way, with the quietest urging of our hearts.
Oh, and I finally got to talk to a man named Clyde. I told him the town I grew up in was named Clyde. I've seen him quite a bit, but have only just gotten the opportunity to talk to him. He was kind, funny, and entertaining. He had to get back to dish duty so we couldn't talk long, but he was so nice.
Our family went driving around and looked at Christmas lights, and attempted to go to bed early....but that didn't work out to well. I've been reigning with an iron first over Skip-Bo with Jeff, he hasn't won ONCE! hahahahahahahaha!
Up at 6 to get over to Sharen's for presents. It was fun seeing the kids get so excited over their gifts. I got some candles, perfume, lotion, mixing bowels, and the Bible Experience Old Testament on CD, which I super wanted.....the OT is hard to push through sometimes, but maybe that has more to do with the fact that I read right before bed ; )
I've made more chocolate, did some laundry, and am ready for a freakin nap!
The only thing that could have made this day better would be to see Jerry (SML, I know if you're reading this you're about to have a fit, but even if I'm okay with not seeing him I can still miss him so swim away from the worm!) This is the first Christmas in 7 years that I haven't seen him Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, and I wasn't really aware of how much I would miss that guy.
So I hope that you've had a merry christmas, I hope that you've taken the time to look around at your friends and family and let them know you love them, that you appreciate them. I hope you know how blessed you are to be inside today, to be warm, to be so full you have to undo your pants (if you didn't wear an elastic waist). I hope that you have hope today, hope that if things are bad, they will be better, hope that if things are dark, light is just around the corner.
Merry Christmas!
12.22.2007
P.S I Love You
Total chick flick. Total cheese. But I lapped up every second of it. Nicole and I went to see P.S. I Love You tonight and I got totally lost and absorbed in the movie. I even went and bought the soundtrack after dinner, the soundtrack is very good in it's own right!
The premise of the movie....which is presented in the previews so no spoilers here....
Holly is married to Jerry, who dies. He set up a system in order to send her mail and "projects" to help her grieve through his loss.
Harry Conick Jr (spelling?) was in it and he was hilarious! He had like verbal torrents when it came to talking to Holly (and he said women in general) which I could identify with (except with men of course).
But there was a moment in the movie when Daniel (HCjr) said that he wished he could be someones Jerry. He wished that someone would love him enough that their life was permanently changed for having loved him.....
I mean, don't we all want that? There are so many people that I have in my life that I have been changed by loving, that the sheer act of loving them is a privilege. How blessed am I that I have so many people to love and cherish so deeply?
I realize that he was talking romantically, because it wouldn't be a good romantic comedy otherwise right?
I want that, I want this all encompassing, inconvenient, passionate love. I moan and groan about my committed friends not wanting to hang out with me sometimes because it would be to much time spend apart from their sig. other....but sometimes instead of annoying me it sort of makes me jealous.
Don't get me wrong, I find the mountainous task of commitment overwhelming and terrifying, but the idea of being so content to spend the days just being with someone, mundane ordinary things, it's nice sometimes you know.
So all in all it was a great movie. Covering the span of love, loss, grief, family, friendships. There was a great scene between Holly and Denise (Lisa Kudrow) about the ways friends can call you on your shit and you love them more because of it. It made me think of a few of my friends that say some on the surface mean things to me, but they say them at a time that I really need to hear it to get my butt kicked out of a funk.
Good times.
Nicole and I went to Biaggi's after for dinner, just sat and talked like we haven't gotten to for a long while. I think of all the demands on my time that I seek out, that I like because it doesn't leave me at home, alone. However, in not taking time to just be, just sit and spend time with people, I miss out I think.
I'm spending the weekend with Stephanie who I used to live with. I swear, last night in the 3ish hours we were awake after I arrived I laughed so hard I almost peed like 5 times. I so miss living with her! She got me a new deck of Skip-Bo (the better to kick X's BUTT with) and a DVD Family Feud game...which is so fun to play! Stephanie and Nicole are playing now.
It's just been a nice weekend, relaxing, hilarious, and refreshing. Just perfect!
Plus I talked to deano on the phone before his drunken night out with old friend. I heart deano! I'm so happy that I stalked him so long and then forced him to cave to the fact that I'm a big deal and he should be my BFF!
Alright, they're done playing so I'm gonna jet.
The premise of the movie....which is presented in the previews so no spoilers here....
Holly is married to Jerry, who dies. He set up a system in order to send her mail and "projects" to help her grieve through his loss.
Harry Conick Jr (spelling?) was in it and he was hilarious! He had like verbal torrents when it came to talking to Holly (and he said women in general) which I could identify with (except with men of course).
But there was a moment in the movie when Daniel (HCjr) said that he wished he could be someones Jerry. He wished that someone would love him enough that their life was permanently changed for having loved him.....
I mean, don't we all want that? There are so many people that I have in my life that I have been changed by loving, that the sheer act of loving them is a privilege. How blessed am I that I have so many people to love and cherish so deeply?
I realize that he was talking romantically, because it wouldn't be a good romantic comedy otherwise right?
I want that, I want this all encompassing, inconvenient, passionate love. I moan and groan about my committed friends not wanting to hang out with me sometimes because it would be to much time spend apart from their sig. other....but sometimes instead of annoying me it sort of makes me jealous.
Don't get me wrong, I find the mountainous task of commitment overwhelming and terrifying, but the idea of being so content to spend the days just being with someone, mundane ordinary things, it's nice sometimes you know.
So all in all it was a great movie. Covering the span of love, loss, grief, family, friendships. There was a great scene between Holly and Denise (Lisa Kudrow) about the ways friends can call you on your shit and you love them more because of it. It made me think of a few of my friends that say some on the surface mean things to me, but they say them at a time that I really need to hear it to get my butt kicked out of a funk.
Good times.
Nicole and I went to Biaggi's after for dinner, just sat and talked like we haven't gotten to for a long while. I think of all the demands on my time that I seek out, that I like because it doesn't leave me at home, alone. However, in not taking time to just be, just sit and spend time with people, I miss out I think.
I'm spending the weekend with Stephanie who I used to live with. I swear, last night in the 3ish hours we were awake after I arrived I laughed so hard I almost peed like 5 times. I so miss living with her! She got me a new deck of Skip-Bo (the better to kick X's BUTT with) and a DVD Family Feud game...which is so fun to play! Stephanie and Nicole are playing now.
It's just been a nice weekend, relaxing, hilarious, and refreshing. Just perfect!
Plus I talked to deano on the phone before his drunken night out with old friend. I heart deano! I'm so happy that I stalked him so long and then forced him to cave to the fact that I'm a big deal and he should be my BFF!
Alright, they're done playing so I'm gonna jet.
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