Mentally Impaired

men·tal·ly /ˈmɛntli/ –adverb
1.
in or with the mind or intellect; intellectually.
2.
with regard to the mind.

im·paired /ɪmˈpɛərd/ –adjective
1.
weakened, diminished, or damaged:
2.
functioning poorly or inadequately
3.
deficient or incompetent

What is it to be mentally impaired? Is it just the physiological aspect of how our brains work, or don't work?
Mental impairment after trauma, that's not really a physical attribute is it? Wouldn't that be considered emotional?
I just don't know.
This idea of how our brain works, how our bodies respond to stress is so mysterious to me. The way we often get sick just as we have the opportunity the rest and have downtime, or the way grief has a way of shattering our thought process and hindering our ability to communicate effectively anymore.
There are days that I feel so mentally impaired I don't know how I make it through the day. These are days when my thoughts feel so scattered and disconnected, which in turn cause my relationships to feel that way to. Sometimes, I want to say things to people so much, but find my thoughts paralyzed and impaired in a way that doesn't allow me to share what it is that I so deeply want to share.
Regardless of the fact that crap has happened in my life, it's just crap. But there are days that I feel so diminished, so less because of some of that crap.
I'm sure it's just the sickness talking, because I have my 4th head cold in as many months.
But I was reading a blog today and it got me thinking about this impairment we have, and how sometimes our impairment is more visible then others.
Like brokenness, our damage and impairment can be easily hidden between smooth lines, jokes, and good works. We can dress up our impairment, comb its hair, put on a tie....but it is still impairment isn't it?
How much can a person process, bury, forgive before it's to much? Is there ever a point that is enough? Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7, but by keeping count does that mean that you aren't really forgiving? How many times then can I continue to feel this anger, hot and burning towards him without figuring out how to move past it?
This man that is my mental impairment is haunting my dreams and conversations. So many times I've forgiven him and this anger still boils. Reconciliation isn't really an option.....because he is no longer living.
But I just get so mad that I can't see strait. I get mad so I won't see the anguish that is in pushing his gift to the back of my closet, that is recoiling at stories of his goodness and strength.
He was not good, he was only good at lying. He was not strong.
A wise man told me a story about a similar situation in his life. He said that he had to learn hard truths about someone that he believed to have been so good, so true. This wise man said that he also had to learn that this person in his situation was fallible, human, imperfect.
Part of my problem is I put people on pedestals, I want them to be so perfect, to remain spotless in their integrity. I'm better then I was, but not as proficient at it as I would like.
It's especially hard for me in regards to people from my past, from when I was a kid, teenager and wobbly adult.
I don't know how to do this, and I want to do it right....so it will be finished. So I can hear this man's name without feeling my heart ripped in two for the hundredth time. So I can remember what was good about him without it being tainted by that which was horrible about him.
My mental impairment is most likely curable. If I don't pick at it, if I don't nurture the bitterness that grows seemingly overnight in regards to this man. But I don't know how.