The Avett Brothers

I LOVE The Avett Brothers
I was checking out Austin City Limits one night and saw that The Avett Brothers were playing. Some people I know had talked about them before so I thought I'd check them out.
Oh it was fantastic.
They are sort of folksy and much to my chagrin sort of country but always lovely. I have listened to them over and over since I downloaded I and Love and You and Emotionalism. They're perfect for at work, driving, working around the house, and background music for hanging out with friends at the house.
I love them. So much.

I and Love and You
when at first i learned to speak
i used all my words to fight
with him and her and you and me
oh its just a waste of time
its such a waste of time

January Wedding
I hope that I don't sound to insane when I say
There is darkness all around us
I don't feel weak but I do need sometimes for her to protect me
And reconnect me to the beauty that I'm missin'

The Perfect Space
I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I've become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.
Will you understand when I am too old of a man?
And will you forget when we have paid our debt
who did we borrow from? Who did we borrow from?

The Weight of Lies
The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town
Cause nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from
Cause lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere

I would be sad
I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you
You know me I’ve always been the kind with easy confidence
Confident enough to honestly believe that nothing out there
Is stopping me especially not someone who’s not loving me
Now listen here I told you I could live on without loving you
I was bluffing then but it seems that just might have been the truth
Well my dad told me one-day son this girl will think of what she’s done
And hurting you will be the first of many more regrets to come
And he said if she doesn’t call than it’s her fault and it’s her loss
I say it’s not that simple see but then again it just may be

Control

I like to pretend that I'm not a control freak. But if you know me even a little bit you know...that's just not true.
As much as I complain and struggle with being the planner, the organizer, the task manager I seem to also thrive on it. I realize those things are connected...I'm still working on it ok.
But I like that when things are coming up that I make a plan and can see it through. However, I also have a tendancy to sacrifice almost anything in order to see the plan through to fruition.
I said to someone last weekend that I was trying really hard to realize that my relationship with this person was more important than the event going according to plan but I was really struggling to remember that.
I was talking to another person last weekend about my issues with Swiss Cake Rolls and how I think that on top of the emotional/stress eating I do I also really like the routine of eating; especially Swiss Cake Rolls. I know that when I'm about to eat a Swiss Cake Roll how I'm going to open the package, that I'll select one of the rolls and eat the chocolate off the ends, then the bottom; then I'll peel off the chocolate around the roll and eat it then unravel the cake inside and eat it like a flat piece of cake with icing on it.
I expect it. I know it. I'm comfortable with it.

A friend from church threw her husband a surprise party a few months ago. Almost everyone at that party I knew and loved and considered a friend. Yet I told Michelle the day before that I needed to know that she was inside before I could go in. So I told her that if I didn't see her car in the lot I would call her before I walked in. Why? I knew all of the people, I love them. Yet I felt awkward and more than a little scared to walk in without knowing for sure that someone I knew would be in there.
I went to an Oscar party last week...no wait...I think it was this week...anyway.
I went to an Oscar party and was really stupid nervous on the way. I thought that maybe the party had been cancelled, that the location had been moved, that every single other person that was invited had forgotten about the party and I would show up food in hand and the hosts would be all...what are you doing here.
It's all just silly seemingly. But I'm finding that I keep my comfort, safety, reassurance in my having control. I like to know what to expect, I like to know what kinds of conversations will be had, where I will sit, where the bathrooms are, what kind of food will be there. When I don't know these things, or control them by being the planner and organizer then I get nervous about what might happen. When things change I get thrown off and nervous and have cried really hard about things not going right.

I wish I could be all the time like this moment of clarity. Because sometimes I let go, de-stress, calm the hell down and just relax. But those are not the majority. Mostly I stress and worry, I lift my shoulders to my ears like earrings and run through the possible conversations that could happen in my head and worry still about what I could possibly contribute to them.
It can often be worse in groups. Because on top of worrying if I'm comfortable and in control I want to control if other people are having a good time, if they're comfortable. The first time I met Dan's now wife I asked her 10 times in one hour if she had to go to the bathroom and if so does she know where they are. I just couldn't help myself. To me comfort is knowing where the bathroom is in a strange place, and I wanted her to feel comfortable and to like me so Dan and I could still be friends. I mean, we get along and all..but just in case you were wondering asking someone about their bathroom habits that often when you first meet them is not the best way to endear yourself to someone.

It's really exhausting. I'm thinking about trying to stop, but first I have to figure out where the bathroom is and what I will talk about when I'm trying to not be in control.

Apologies

There was this boy. Once a long time ago in another world where I was a hot mess (as opposed to this world where I'm completely put together and rational all the time). We were friends and after a certain someone and I broke up I rebounded pretty hard, face first into the concrete floor with this other boy.
I pushed and shoved, manipulated trying to get my way.
In my damaged and broken sort of way I was just trying to reassure myself that I could still be wanted.
In his damaged and broken sort of way he was just trying to figure out what it was that I wanted in my messed up damaged sort of way.
We were both jerks. He just happened to be the jerk that moved out of state the week of my birthday. I was the jerk that threw tantrums, lied and said that I was fine when I really really wasn't.

I saw the boy again, a year or so later. Things happened. I was really very hurt and pretty angry about the whole deal. He went back to his state and I moved into a state of denial.
The thing about feeling used when you are a person that needs to feel useful to feel loved is that even when you're used for all the wrong reasons (are there right reasons....?) you think it's love.

We've talked, but not seen each other for a really long time. Until recently. When he came to visit with a girl that is lovely. We chatted and laughed, reminisced and shared life updates.
At one point, I can't even remember what I said, he put his arm gently around me and said: "I'm sorry. I was really a jerk to you."
I replied, "It's ok. I was kind of a jerk too."

Because in truth I was using him too. I was using him to pretend the demise of other boy wasn't quite so bad. I was using him to pretend that I still felt even the slightest bit wanted and needed. I was using him knowing that he didn't want me, because when it all fell apart (and I knew that it would) I could blame him and still remain safe and secure in the knowledge that I was useful for something.

It was nice; his apology in the middle of the aisle. It was nice to know that it wasn't just me. That he could see it too. It was nice to be more grown up with him and not all contrary, angry and mean like I used to be. It was nice.

411

It is often all about information for me.
I collect it; information about people, places, situations, everything.
I rarely use it anymore. But I used to...

I could eavesdrop easily on conversations, I would collect the information and slip it into my pocket in case it would help me out later.
The scared side of me would like to tell you that I rarely if ever used the information. I just collected it. But I did.
I mean, I didn't black mail people or anything...I'm not Ben Linus. But I would use it to endear myself to people. Because I didn't think they would want me around otherwise.

By endear, I mean two specific things.
I would insert myself in a situation and manipulate peoples emotions and relationships with the information I kept secret or released into the wilds of conversation to ensure that I would be a friend they would turn to. I would be a shoulder to lean on and I would love how it made me feel needed. I would be devastated if I found out a person I wanted to be friends with (or was friends with) would confide in other people. Not because I thought they couldn't be friends with more than one person, but because I thought they had found out the truth about me and they had no need for me anymore.
I needed to be needed to know that I was loved. I know this about myself and it's the main issue that I'm working on right now. This idea that my tasks, what I accomplish or do for people, isn't the reason they love me. That it isn't the reason God loves me. I'm trying to learn in my head and in my heart that Grace isn't doled out to me like a paycheck for the Washington Projects that I lead or the ways I serve people in His name. It's really overwhelming to continually re-learn that Grace is totally and completely unearned and free. Because I'm an earner. It's been my identity for so long.
But I digress. As if you're surprised.

I was so good at information management. Keeping it close, letting it out in just the right ear at the right time. I was very good at letting it out to known gossipers (because of course that isn't what I was doing...I was just helping. I was needed.) so that it was rarely traced back to me. It was a cozy little bedfellow; this information I held.

It's a really hard habit to break. I intentionally set out to slow down, slim down my schedule so I can be still, so I can focus on getting healthy both inside and out. Then slowly it seems to creep up. Things I love, that I want to do pile up all at the same time. It feels like feast or famine most of the time. But I give in, people tell me how much they want me to be in something, to come to something and it makes me feel....needed.
But it's not enough to just show up. I have to bake a bunch of things, or host it at my house, or be the driver, the planner, the organizer. Because just showing up wouldn't be enough. I have to do. Perform. Earn their love, friendship, affection, grace.

When it gets really bad, really overloaded; when I get really stressed out I slide back into my information seeking ways. I collect. I listen. I ask things of people I don't need to know and I insert myself into situations I have no place being in. Because it's all about control when I feel out of control.
Then when I hear about something someone is going through, when they tell me at an appropriate for them time I feel devastated. Left out that they couldn't simply pick up the phone and call. I think of all the ways I could have helped, then I feel scared they don't really like me, love me, want me to be their friend because they don't want me to do things for them. Because how could someone want me in their life if I'm not doing something for them.

I'd like to say I'll stop. That I'll say no, that I'll pray for guidance and strength and ask for help. Oh, and I'll try that. I've just failed so much at it. I've pulled back and then jumped back into a deeper end than I had just climbed out of.
So instead I'll say I just need your grace. Your patience. Your friendship.
I know that I already have it. I do know that on some level. But in my tired worn out exhausted level I don't know it and it feels like leaving a birthday card on my dining room table spells the demise of friendship and saying no sounds like I hate you.

Flung Across Space and Time

The interesting thing about the last almost week is that I've had a lot of people "that knew me when" visit.
There was Jake, Belinda and Alaina all last weekend. I've known them all since at least 7th grade and maybe before with Belinda.
Malek came and visited last night with his girlfriend. I knew him for a few years back in the living in BG days when I was a falling apart hot mess of a girl. He moved to Florida in 2002 and I hadn't seen him at all since 2003.

Then there is the inevitable spring board memories. Reminiscing with Malek made me remember living with Stephanie (Gosh I miss her so much) and Jake, Belinda and Alaina and I all poked at our dramatic high school years and talked through what it meant to be an adult.
So you'll have to excuse me if I'm feeling a little reflective.

It's so easy for me to see now where God has brought me. How he's moved me from hot mess of a falling apart girl to a lukewarm mess of a mostly keeping it together girl. Because things are really stressfull and exhausting right now. I'm not managing it well. I have all these stupid girl things happening, the house is totally out of order and chaotic, money is flying out of my accounts faster then I notice it's in there and there is just no time to be still. I'm parched. Parched for rest, for renewal, for time to reflect and think. I've been taking naps on my lunch breaks to make up for the sleep I don't get at night. It's all just enough to make me forget that this is rough, but not as bad as it used to be.
In the thick of it, whatever it is, it's really hard to see that there's an end in sight. It's really easy to be disappointed, discouraged, let down and defeated. It's pretty easy to stop being thankful for how far God has brought me and all that he's doing in my life even though I can't see it for all the sand my head is buried in.

So I'm holding on that it's there. That hope and a light at the end of the tunnel is there in the reservation made at the hotel so the floors (the last step!) can get done, in the test results that show nothing is wrong with her, in the time spent with friends that highlights just how great life is most of the time, for the baby sticking in utero still and waiting for as long as possible to meet Momma. Hope is even in the exhaustion. Because I'm wrung out and tired from working hard long hours at a time when not a lot of people have the opportunity to work at all. Hope is in the exhaustion that comes from staying up late talking to old friends who help tie together what God has done and is continuing to do in your life.
Hope is in remember what it is to be overwhelmed with thankfulness.
I'm thankful for the I'm sorry conversation that happened. For the validation that even though I was a hot mess that I was not crazy in thinking that situation was jacked up and I shouldn't have been treated that way. I'm thankful for the chance to say I'm sorry too because I was a jerk too.
I'm thankful for friendships even when they are flung across space and time.
I'm thankful for a God that has been pushing and prodding me since before I even pretended to like him in the slightest bit.
I'm thankful for you too.
I'm thankful.

Adult Mis-Mash (I apologize in advance)

Things no one told me about being an adult:

You have to pay bills. Like every month.
You have to budget your money so you have money to pay those bills.
Adults still act like gossipy high schoolers some days (a lot of days)
There are still cool kids and uncool kids
Mowing the lawn sucks and you have to do it every week if not more when it's nice out
Lawn mowers have engines which require oil that you have to replace when it's old
The house does not in fact clean itself
If the cat pukes you have to clean it up, and then clean up the pile of puke you threw up while cleaning it up
When you're sick and feel to weak to get yourself juice or water from the kitchen no amount of yelling will make someone bring it to you when you live alone
You have to do things you don't want to do or don't feel like doing....a lot. Actually I would say most of the time.

Talking to friends this weekend we all collectively wondered if this is really what being adult is supposed to be. B even noted that she often wondered when a grown up was going to show up and take care of things.
I'm not sure. I'm just not sure I'm in the best place mentally and emotionally to even honestly answer that question without sounding all jaded and bitter about it. But I'm also not really sure what exactly I'm so jaded and bitter about.

I'm living in the dissonance right now. Between what life is and a vague just out of focus idea of what life is supposed to be. I feel surrounded by people that tell me not to settle for just any man and marry him because I'm 30 while simultaneously being told to settle down and get married already. I'm wondering if it's harping and protesting to much to tell people that I don't know if I want to date anyone at all anymore let alone think about getting married and/or have kids or if it's the truth. I'm wondering if the real reason behind the lack of those desires is massive unopened piles of baggage or just a knowing that those things are just not for me.

It surprises me how many other people feel this way and how little people talk about it until a few beers have been poured and it's late at night after a big dinner of comfort food. I wish more people would talk about it, then maybe I wouldn't feel so crazy. But is it ok that even when people talk about it I still feel alone in the dissonance? Because sometimes I do.

I had such a lovely weekend with friends, but I did to much. I committed to multi-tasking to much because doing tasks gives me a purpose that I'm needed. Because I still don't really believe I have value outside of the tasks that I accomplish. It's still really really hard for me to understand that even if my house is dirty and people have to pour their own coffee or someone else makes the cookies for the serve that I took off to enjoy my time with friends they will still like me, they might even still love me.
I don't trust that people just love me. So I don't ask for help and I over commit and I dodge and deflect and demur that it's really ok and I plaster a smile on my face and say it's ok when I'm just so tired.
I know that when I do this I hurt people after the fact because I write about it and they have to reassure me that it's not true and they love me no matter what and I say thank you and thank you and thank you but as soon as the light is off that sore spot and the time extends from the reassurances I fall back into not believing that people love me all over again.
I do the same thing with God. I try to do things for Him because just being with him doesn't feel like enough. I have to do, serve, run myself into the ground to feel like I'm earning his love and that my friends is a sin that I am trapped in and I can't see my way out.

I'm so sick of it and I don't know how to stop believing that lie.
It also really really pisses me off that this could all very well be hormonally related and not at all reality and I know that the way to fix the unbalanced level of hormones in my body is to lose weight and not be fat but the unbalanced hormones leave me paralyzed with depression and apathy thinking the only way out of this pit is at the end of a box of Little Debbies so I eat and eat and don't work out and I hide and hide under piles of fast food wrappers and melted chocolate.
Around and around and around she goes and where she stops no one knows.

Exhausted

I have things to say, but no idea how to say them.
A lot has been happening on the home front, drywall, glazing, electrical issues, dry wall dust galore, visitors every weekend and one more round tomorrow night of visitors to go.
I move into a hotel in less than a week for a week while they do the hardwood floors and all I can think about is making it until next Sunday evening when I move into the hotel because that means I'll not be able to do a single damn thing when I get "home" except lay in a hotel bed and maybe swim or sit in a hot tub.

Today I feel like I'm just trying to make it through the day, and it will be a long day. Work, errands, meeting, cleaning then bed.
I'm irrationally cranky and pissy and so over being a girl. I wish I could figure out that Little Debbie's and nacho cheese doritoes aren't the answer to any problem that I have, even when I'm actually hungry.

For all the good intentions and well thought out plans of slowing down and savoring days instead of speeding through them from one event/meeting/job/committment to another I seem to have added more instead of taking anything out.
It's coming to a head soon. I just can't keep up this pace and actually enjoy life at all. Now I just have to see if that actually happens of if I'll just stuff my frustration back down my throat with Mt Dew and Cheetos.