Today I got up early and didn't have to rush. I ate breakfast at my table and read the book of James. I talked to God, I packed my lunch.
It was a fantastic morning.
I left early and drove calmly and clearly to work...not having to yell at people for merely going to speed limit means I got to work far less stressed than I usually do. It also gave me time to look around while I was driving.
On the way to work today I saw a cat playing on a schools playground. It slid down the slide...seriously. It climbed back up the slide and was preparing to slide again when I realized I needed to keep driving. But I like to imagine what that cat's night was like. Was he there all night just sliding down the slide over and over again? Can cats use monkey bars? These are serious questions people!
A few blocks later I notice a car that looks a little funny. I scoot closer to see why and I realize, the car has been POSTED! As it covered with Post-It notes completely. Even the radio antenna was wrapped in Post-It notes. It was hilarious.
Hopefully the rest of the day will be as lovely as my first 3ish hours were.
5.11.2009
5.07.2009
Trust You
I am walking on this line between the knowledge of what I need to to and how to do it and the stubbornness of not wanting to move.
There is nothing about God's character that should give me a moments pause. It's all me that I can't move past.
Brandon Heath: What if We
There is nothing about God's character that should give me a moments pause. It's all me that I can't move past.
I can’t walk without watching where I’m going
I can’t speak without knowing what to say
I can’t love without any hesitation, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I can’t reach without something to offer
I can’t come now, I am so ashamed
I can’t hold out for you any longer, ‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine
It’s never easy changing direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions,
‘cause I know that you don’t work that way
I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine
Some days this weight upon my shoulders is my shame
I know I should know better
‘Cause you say that I must now surrender, there’s no other way
I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, I shouldn’t trust you with mine
I’m not gonna fight you anymore
I’m not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why, no good reason why I shouldn’t trust you with mine
Brandon Heath: What if We
5.06.2009
I fought the lawn and the lawn won
I am sometimes so overwhelmed by the idea of owning a house by myself. Never has this been more true then this past Sunday, when I decided it was more then time to mow the backyard.
My backyard is at a little of an angle, not much...or so I thought. Apparently when you're grass is 1 million feet talk you can't really tell the grade of things.
So I pulled out the mower, started it up and mowed exactly 1 strip of grass when the mower stalled out. It was full of grass on the bottom.
I cleaned it out, all the time cringing imagining that at any moment the mower would spring to life all on its own and chop both of my hands off...and secondary to that thought was the question, "How will I call for help? I have a touch screen phone!" (You will be happy to hear that I have practiced several times this week dialing 911 with my nose. I can also call Sharen with my nose too.)
The grass is all pulled out, I mow a few more strips and it stalls again. I continue this rhythm for about 45 minutes until I give up. I call my brother in law Jeff and ask to borrow his weed whacker. While I wait for him to check the gas/kerosene levels I decide I need to clean off the bottom of the mower more thoroughly. So I tip it up against the side of my house and spray at it with the hose. This is the part where I get soaked from head to toe and covered in grass clippings. However, I learned one important piece of information...the bottom of the lawn mower is supposed to be red, not green! I even was scraping the shellacked clumps off the bottom, which turned my hands green even though I was wearing gloves.
After cleaning the mower off I hadn't heard from Jeff yet, so I watered my plants. I think something happened to my hose connection because it's started spraying from the house connection. So, having just gotten dry I was soaked again.
Once I was done with that Jeff called, so I went to get my keys through the garage and discovered that door was locked. Luckily the back patio door was open so I could just slide open the screen and grab my keys....I just tracked a little more dirt/grass in my house then I wanted.
While I was at Sharen and Jeff's I grabbed their hose too, so I could spray week killer to the far reaches of my yard.
Ok, so weed whacking...not really as much fun as it looks. I mean it looked all light and breezy just swinging it around whacking weeds. It isn't. It's HEAVY and VIBRATY. My arms are still a little sore from it. After thinning out the grass in the backyard I successfully mowed most of the rest of the yard. It started stalling out again and at one point it billowed massive amounts of white smoke out the front of it. There were really only 2 strips left, so I just stopped there.
After cleaning the mower (again) and the weed whacker, I settled down to some nice relaxing sweeping. Because there was chunks of grass all over my patio and driveway thanks to my cleaning out the mower so much. I was soooo tired.
But I wanted to spray the weed killer on my lawn so I could mow my yard Wednesday (today). I hooked up Sharen and Jeff's black hose to my hose using my grass stained green hands and hooked up the weed killer bottle to the hose. As I set off to start spraying I wiped my hand across my face because I was hot and tired and a little frustrated and overwhelmed. I wouldn't find out for another hour that I had smeared some black hose yuck and grass stained across the right side of my face. I sort of looked like I was about to set out on some crazy mission that required camo paint...no wonder those kids that walked by looked at me funny.
Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel! I sprayed and sprayed with gusto, knowing that when this was done I could go in the house and do nothing. (even though there were dishes in the sink...which are actually still there... laundry to do, beds to change out, floors to vacuum..well you get the point) I let go of the bottle at one point to smear more "camo" across my face and the bottle, propelled by the force of the hose, spun around and around...spraying me in the face.
Just in case you were wondering, weed killer does not clear up acne.
Lord help me there is so much to do! I also need to start pumping iron just so I can weed whack apparently. But when to find the time with all the mowing, laundry, cooking, cleaning, sweeping...
My backyard is at a little of an angle, not much...or so I thought. Apparently when you're grass is 1 million feet talk you can't really tell the grade of things.
So I pulled out the mower, started it up and mowed exactly 1 strip of grass when the mower stalled out. It was full of grass on the bottom.
I cleaned it out, all the time cringing imagining that at any moment the mower would spring to life all on its own and chop both of my hands off...and secondary to that thought was the question, "How will I call for help? I have a touch screen phone!" (You will be happy to hear that I have practiced several times this week dialing 911 with my nose. I can also call Sharen with my nose too.)
The grass is all pulled out, I mow a few more strips and it stalls again. I continue this rhythm for about 45 minutes until I give up. I call my brother in law Jeff and ask to borrow his weed whacker. While I wait for him to check the gas/kerosene levels I decide I need to clean off the bottom of the mower more thoroughly. So I tip it up against the side of my house and spray at it with the hose. This is the part where I get soaked from head to toe and covered in grass clippings. However, I learned one important piece of information...the bottom of the lawn mower is supposed to be red, not green! I even was scraping the shellacked clumps off the bottom, which turned my hands green even though I was wearing gloves.
After cleaning the mower off I hadn't heard from Jeff yet, so I watered my plants. I think something happened to my hose connection because it's started spraying from the house connection. So, having just gotten dry I was soaked again.
Once I was done with that Jeff called, so I went to get my keys through the garage and discovered that door was locked. Luckily the back patio door was open so I could just slide open the screen and grab my keys....I just tracked a little more dirt/grass in my house then I wanted.
While I was at Sharen and Jeff's I grabbed their hose too, so I could spray week killer to the far reaches of my yard.
Ok, so weed whacking...not really as much fun as it looks. I mean it looked all light and breezy just swinging it around whacking weeds. It isn't. It's HEAVY and VIBRATY. My arms are still a little sore from it. After thinning out the grass in the backyard I successfully mowed most of the rest of the yard. It started stalling out again and at one point it billowed massive amounts of white smoke out the front of it. There were really only 2 strips left, so I just stopped there.
After cleaning the mower (again) and the weed whacker, I settled down to some nice relaxing sweeping. Because there was chunks of grass all over my patio and driveway thanks to my cleaning out the mower so much. I was soooo tired.
But I wanted to spray the weed killer on my lawn so I could mow my yard Wednesday (today). I hooked up Sharen and Jeff's black hose to my hose using my grass stained green hands and hooked up the weed killer bottle to the hose. As I set off to start spraying I wiped my hand across my face because I was hot and tired and a little frustrated and overwhelmed. I wouldn't find out for another hour that I had smeared some black hose yuck and grass stained across the right side of my face. I sort of looked like I was about to set out on some crazy mission that required camo paint...no wonder those kids that walked by looked at me funny.
Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel! I sprayed and sprayed with gusto, knowing that when this was done I could go in the house and do nothing. (even though there were dishes in the sink...which are actually still there... laundry to do, beds to change out, floors to vacuum..well you get the point) I let go of the bottle at one point to smear more "camo" across my face and the bottle, propelled by the force of the hose, spun around and around...spraying me in the face.
Just in case you were wondering, weed killer does not clear up acne.
Lord help me there is so much to do! I also need to start pumping iron just so I can weed whack apparently. But when to find the time with all the mowing, laundry, cooking, cleaning, sweeping...
5.02.2009
Glendy
I sponsored a child today. Through World Vision at Family Christian Stores. I've been working at the one in Tri-County again for some extra dough (houses and things you want to do to them are expensive!) I've also been reading several blogs, Anne, Angie and Pete's specifically. They were on a trip with Compassion International. They were bloggers sent to Kolkata India with the goal of seeing how Compassion works and how it benefits the kids that are sponsored. Their trip garnered the most child sponsorships of any of the Compassion blogger trips to date. I don't know the exact number, but there are a lot of kids that are going to have adequate nutrition, education and medical care because of these people. There are tons of kids that are going to have hope for a future different than their parents.
While I was reading through these blogs, I was beginning to come out of this funk that I've found myself in in the last few months. The darkness had knocked me down hard and I was really struggling to get back up, struggling with even wanting to get back up. But in rare moments of clarity I reached out to some people that could partner with me in prayer and that I felt comfortable asking to truly press me into accountability. Because while there is a true darkness that grasps at my ankles far more often then I would care to admit, I do plenty to nurture it and invite it to make itself comfortable.
One of the things that I struggle with each year is April 24th. It's the day my friend was killed, and that day makes me really sad. I do pretty well 364 days of the year to not focus on her death but on her life, but that one day is such a struggle for me still, 9 years later.
While I was reading Angie's blog she mentioned that she and her family sponsored a child with the birth date of their daughter Audrey. Audrey who died the same day she was born. Audrey who Angie carried to term knowing that there was little medical hope for her baby girl to survive, but praying to a God that is so big that he would save her. Angie has a site that talks about Audrey, and it will bless you like little else to read about her journey. While Audrey is not with us in the flesh, her brief flicker of a life has been sparked into a bonfire by God himself. This girl that lived for only a few hours has worked miracles, in my faith, and in so many others.
But I digress....
So I was thinking that I wanted to start sponsoring a kid again, the one I had previously aged out of the program and I hadn't sponsored one since. Furthermore, I thought that it would be lovely to find a little girl that had a birthday of April 24th. Because that day holds so much sad for me, I wanted to try to put something good into it.
I sponsored Glendy today. She was born April 24th 2006, she is 3 years old and lives in Honduras. She loves playing with dolls. Because of the $30 a month I set aside to sponsor her she will have access to things such as clean water, nutritious food, and an education, so she can grow up to be a healthy and productive adult.
I sponsored her online, where you can search based on country, birth date, type of sponsorship etc. You can sponsor children with AIDS, you can sponsor whole families for not much more.
We are so rich in the US, so rich. I don't have a lot of money, I don't have a lot of room in my budget. But I'm making room for Glendy and I'm pushing the sadness out of the way on April 24th so I can make way for a celebration that Glendy was born.
While I was reading through these blogs, I was beginning to come out of this funk that I've found myself in in the last few months. The darkness had knocked me down hard and I was really struggling to get back up, struggling with even wanting to get back up. But in rare moments of clarity I reached out to some people that could partner with me in prayer and that I felt comfortable asking to truly press me into accountability. Because while there is a true darkness that grasps at my ankles far more often then I would care to admit, I do plenty to nurture it and invite it to make itself comfortable.
One of the things that I struggle with each year is April 24th. It's the day my friend was killed, and that day makes me really sad. I do pretty well 364 days of the year to not focus on her death but on her life, but that one day is such a struggle for me still, 9 years later.
While I was reading Angie's blog she mentioned that she and her family sponsored a child with the birth date of their daughter Audrey. Audrey who died the same day she was born. Audrey who Angie carried to term knowing that there was little medical hope for her baby girl to survive, but praying to a God that is so big that he would save her. Angie has a site that talks about Audrey, and it will bless you like little else to read about her journey. While Audrey is not with us in the flesh, her brief flicker of a life has been sparked into a bonfire by God himself. This girl that lived for only a few hours has worked miracles, in my faith, and in so many others.
But I digress....
So I was thinking that I wanted to start sponsoring a kid again, the one I had previously aged out of the program and I hadn't sponsored one since. Furthermore, I thought that it would be lovely to find a little girl that had a birthday of April 24th. Because that day holds so much sad for me, I wanted to try to put something good into it.
I sponsored Glendy today. She was born April 24th 2006, she is 3 years old and lives in Honduras. She loves playing with dolls. Because of the $30 a month I set aside to sponsor her she will have access to things such as clean water, nutritious food, and an education, so she can grow up to be a healthy and productive adult.
I sponsored her online, where you can search based on country, birth date, type of sponsorship etc. You can sponsor children with AIDS, you can sponsor whole families for not much more.
We are so rich in the US, so rich. I don't have a lot of money, I don't have a lot of room in my budget. But I'm making room for Glendy and I'm pushing the sadness out of the way on April 24th so I can make way for a celebration that Glendy was born.
4.30.2009
What's Up
I'm just going to go ahead and bullet point this out for you, because otherwise I might start whining again:
- I cut my hair, like way off for me. Just at my chin, but I kept the layers and bangs. I'm still getting used to it. The funniest part about this is that I am learning how to use mousse, and my natural inclination is to use way to much and, well, that's just a little gross
- I'm reading Harry Potter for the first time, and I'm shocked how much I'm enjoying it. At this rate I'll read the 7 HP books faster than I read the 4 Twilight books.
- I'm currently embroiled in a blood feud with a crop of dandelions in my yard. I need another hose that will reach the other side of the yard, then those bitches are mine
- I've landscaped my front yard, with the help of some people with greener thumbs than I, and so far everything is still alive. Which is nothing short of a gardening miracle.
- I'm obsessed with Property Virgins, obsessed.
- I'm thinking about running. Like a race. Just thinking about it. I need to get myself in shape, at least better shape. It's disgusting. I'm hoping setting a goal like this might help me. Now there is only the pesky issue of making time to actually train...
- Speaking of time, my schedule seems to have gotten a little out of hand lately. I seem to be booking up and just focusing on moving from task to task. I'm pretty sure this is a result of the battle of the wills I'm attempting to have with God right now. It annoys me that I haven't learned this lesson yet.
- The battle of the wills I'm having is coming to it's breaking point soon, I can feel it. I'm pretty sure the only thing that's keeping me from giving in and submitting already is my stubborn need to keep piling on the to do's and not be obedient in my time with God. I find myself angry and wondering when the hell I'll learn already.
- I've been sleeping with my windows open most of this week. I LOVE it, but it makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning when I'm all snuggled down under the covers.
4.27.2009
All I can Say
All I can say is that I'm sorry.
That I still think about it, that I still see it in my head.
If it was my choice, it would all be erased.
As if I never saw, heard, experienced these things that are scarred on the back of my lids.
But I'm hoping, praying and pleading that I will turn my eyes from these things and turn them to you.
These things that knock me down, leave me gasping for breath.
You who saved me and saves me still.
You who I am hiding from, refusing to speak or listen to.
As if there is anything that is hidden from you at all.
All I can say is that I'm sorry.
That I still think about it, that I still see it in my head.
If it was my choice, it would all be erased.
As if I never saw, heard, experienced these things that are scarred on the back of my lids.
But I'm hoping, praying and pleading that I will turn my eyes from these things and turn them to you.
These things that knock me down, leave me gasping for breath.
You who saved me and saves me still.
You who I am hiding from, refusing to speak or listen to.
As if there is anything that is hidden from you at all.
All I can say is that I'm sorry.
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
-David Crowder
4.24.2009
Compassion Trip to India
Anne Jackson over at flowerdust.net is leaving with several other bloggers on a Compassion International trip to India, Kolkutta to be exact.
That's why this is on the top right corner of my blogity blog:
You can follow the posts of all the bloggers that are going by clicking India, Kolkutta . Angie, Pete and Anne all write on blogs I follow and I can't wait to read about what they're seeing/doing in India. Check it out, and pray for them and the trip.
That's why this is on the top right corner of my blogity blog:
You can follow the posts of all the bloggers that are going by clicking India, Kolkutta . Angie, Pete and Anne all write on blogs I follow and I can't wait to read about what they're seeing/doing in India. Check it out, and pray for them and the trip.
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