2.16.2011

My Beloved

It was one of those days. When every breath seemed forced, when every limb felt heavy. The very day itself seemed to be pressing down on me.
I didn't feel brave.
I didn't feel safe.
Everything just felt hard.

It was a busy day, lots of things on my to do list, not a lot checked off at the end of the day. My mind was traipsing through what ifs and maybe for some things coming up that I'm feeling anxious about and it was just a lot.

I left work on time, ran to pick up something from my seester and then headed back to the dog sitting house.
I was overcome by the desire to go to Target. So I went to Target. I wandered for almost 30 or 45 minutes just picking things up, putting them in the cart, putting them back.
I looked up once and was startled to see I was still in Target. That's when I just left the cart where I was standing and walked out.
Then I got outside and I just stood outside the doors trying to figure out what to do next.

I mean, clearly the answer was to go to the dog sitting house. But I just felt so lost. Lost in the middle of small choices that feel so big.
I want to ask people to assure me they won't leave, that they won't forget me when I hide. But I'm too afraid to hear that the answer isn't a guaranteed "we won't"
I want to be reassured that I can trust you, that you won't one day say "just kidding" and become an opposite version of yourself then the one I'd known.
But I know it's not possible; and it makes it very chaotic in my head and heart.

I want to ask you for help, but can't think of what specifically I need you to help me with.

I ache to be known, but fear letting you in because I won't measure up (and neither will you)

Then I came home. I read her beloved list and I remember. I come splashing up through the surface of the loss I'm drowning in and I gasp, drawing in any air I can.
I remember that  He knows me.
He already knows I don't measure up and He pursues my broken and dirty heart anyway.
I remember that He is everything I have always hoped for and nothing I ever expected Him to be.

He holds me gently.
He reassures me that He can be trusted. He won't forget me. He won't one day say "just kidding" and become an opposite version of Himself.
His character is constant.
His goodness has been proven.
He fights for my tattered and suspicious heart even when I try to hide it from Him.

He is my beloved; and I am His.

Inspired by her Beloved List.
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery 
- 'Beloved ' Tenth Avenue North