Nothing to You

I know that there are hundreds of promises in the bible.
I know that God is a big God, he is a God of miracles, one that is slow to anger and whose grace is abounding. I know that God relentlessly pursues each of us personally.

And still.....

I wonder.

I wonder when the "but" will come. I wonder when the other shoe will drop. I wonder when He'll pull back, withdrawal, and tell me He was just kidding...He didn't really care.

The truth is, I HATE that I think that. I HATE that I wonder if His grace and love is conditional because of the conditional grace and love I've grown accustomed to from "friends" and people that were supposed to love me and protect me.
I hate that I expect His apathy after all these years of seeing His mercy and compassion.

I hate the sin in me that believes the hissing and slithering lies, the sin that tells me even God is ashamed of me for needing Him so desperately to help.
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?
-Damien Rice 'Delicate'


JamesWilliams said...

Very insightful, Beth. While it's tempting to think that other Christians have it together and don't struggle with this, I suspect God's paying extra attention to those who think like you and I on this. He's there with us, sustaining us, reminding us of the truth.

ellenjane said...

Thanks, James. It was a scary post to write...because the rest of the lie is that I'm all alone in this struggle.