I'm comfortable planning.
I like to make sure that everyone is where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there doing what they're supposed to be doing.
We could call it another aspect of my need to be in control, and that absolutely plays into it. But to a greater extent I also feel the need to always put myself in front of people's faces. Because I'm afraid they're going to forget me.
Lately, my ability to initiate and interact with anyone has been greatly diminished. It feels much more difficult to initiate contact and connection with people. It feels very oppressive inside of my head and heart right now.
It might just be a self-fulfilling prophecy but it seems that with my ability to initiate contact with people my contact with people has decreased dramatically.
I could be sending out signals.
I could be projecting myself as unavailable.
Because lately I just don't have it in me. I don't have the capability right now to be the only initiator and while I'm trying to get my head screwed back on straight I'm also panicking thinking I'm taking to long to get myself pulled together because no one wants to be friends with the falling apart girl.
But most of the time I just wonder. If I didn't call, text, email or (insert form of communication here) you....would we even still talk?
Some of you I know yes. Because you show me that.
But others of you...others of you I have taken serious pause wondering if we would ever speak again if I didn't start the conversation. I think for more of you than my heart cares to admit the answer would be no. We would no longer have a friendship. And that makes me very sad.
It makes me never want to try, while at the same time being terrified to ever stop trying.
There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are, so what do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
Just don't give up, I am workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
- Adam Lambert "Want From Me"
(and no, I can't believe I just quoted an Adam Lambert song either. I'm so sorry)