Lately I just feel so damaged.
It's easy to say this is why or that is why but it's just become so pervasive in my heart lately I can't hardly see straight anymore.
Sometimes, I feel like I can't even breathe through the damage. It's like I'm suffocating on the brokenness that should have been repaired long ago.
I'm trying not to be to whiny about it, which I know you'll all say "oh no no, it's ok" but honestly I'm sick of my own pissing and moaning.
I just want to fix it. I just want it to be done.
I have some steps that I'm putting into place to hopefully deal with this. Insurance changes at work are making it more affordable (affordable at all really) for me to go to doctors so I'm going to go.
I'm sure that much of the issue is hormonal (sorry boys) but I also know there are some deeper issues that need to be dealt with professionally, and not with a free volunteer type person.
I still just don't feel safe. I feel extra paranoid, left out and alone. I can see that these things aren't true. I can see that the reality is :insert actual reality here: but I don't believe it. I'm feeling like I can't trust the things I see or hear because I'm misunderstanding them or they're just not true and I'm completely making them up.
It all adds up to a lot of withdrawing, a lot of silence and a ridiculous for even me amount of paranoia.
Usually I can fake it until I make it, but I feel like I've been faking it a long time and it's not getting any better. Frankly it's exhausting. So much so that on top of my tendency to sleep and stare away the hours when in a depressive state I'm so exhausted from the moments I rally for social interactions sake I have to nap just to recover.
It's all very dramatic I know.
But the thing is, it's really easy for me to keep telling you I'm ok. Depending on the day I can even mostly believe it myself. However there has been a low and dull throbbing of despair coursing through my veins for months now and I'm just losing my ability to deal with it.