1. an image or other material object representing a deity to which religious worship is addressed.
2. a. an image of a deity other than God
b. the deity itself.
3. any person or thing regarded with blind admiration, adoration, or devotion:
4. a mere image or semblance of something, visible but without substance, as a phantom.
5. a figment of the mind; fantasy.
6. a false conception or notion; fallacy.
I felt a little twinge.
I HATE that twinge. Because that twinge has always preceded a period of revelation and growth and a refining that is often blindingly painful.
It was odd, this concert. I was standing there having a blast and looking around, but at the same time I was churning inside. Churning with this conviction of idol.
Because I think I've idolized friendship. Which is hilarious considering I'm almost paralyzed with terror over relationships of all kinds.
I know the right things the say and the biblicallyaccurate ways to think. But I don't really think them. I mean, I do and I don't at the same time.
I should be looking to God for my definition, my affirmation, my value. I know this. But I just don't do it.
I choose instead to depend on the value I find in my relationships. Which is bad. Because I have issues with relational power.
I'm not saying it isn't normal, just that it's not good.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say exactly. Only that....it's ok and valid that friendships and relationships are important. But they shouldn't be more important than my relationship with God. Yet I've continually allowed the way other people treat me to be a reflection of how I expect God to treat me.
When it's good, than I can feel closer to God, but when it's bad. When I'm stood up, lied to, let down or flat out rejected or forgotten about than I project that to God too.
I expect Him to be no better than broken and damaged people here on Earth.
When He is. He's so much more. He's perfect where the rest of us are not even close.
Yet I continue to cast my eyes towards these tumultuous relationships for my definition and security instead of staying focused on a God that has never abandoned me.
I honestly don't know where to go from here. Because the biggest struggle for me this week has been trying to remember to not throw the baby out with the bath water. My instinct has been to completely disconnect from everyone because I don't feel safe. Even if you haven't done anything to cause this hurt I don't feel safe with you...
I'm trying to find the balance between taking down my idol of friendship without completely checking out of all of my friendships at the same time.
One things for sure. I can't figure it out by continuing to ignore Him. He's the only one that has it all figured out anyway. Because with God is the place I have true security, true safety. Not simple, not easy, but I'm safe. I can trust His love even when I'm struggling to trust yours.
But you say, "Hold on, if I could just try this one thing.
Well, I know I can change and that would change everything."
But a house made of mirrors never helps you see any clearer
It's yourself you can't see past
And Lord isn't that just like me?
If only we could see
That He's already set us free
- House of Mirrors, Tenth Avenue North
1 comment:
Lately I've been remembering everything about each of my friendships that I love so much, things that make me smile, things that make me laugh and I've been working to set that into the image of what God is to me.
I try to imagine all the good things about each of my friendships rolled into one awesome fantastic person and what a fantastic friend that would make and that's the feeling I'm trying to put to God. It really has been helping me.
God does not stand you up, nor does his disappoint. He's the friend that makes you laugh when you need it the most and just sits with you silently when you need him too.
When I think about this I also bring forth those bad memories of friendship and remember that while God does not posess the possibility of being those things, without them, we could not truely appreciate the perfectness that God is.
When friends disappoint us, it should not devalue who we are, it should show us that we are all human, capable of being selfish at times, capable of making mistakes. The hard part is looking back at the good times and deciding if the frienship is worth the heartache of forgiveness.
Human relationships have good times and they have bad times, it's all part of a good life. As John Cage once said, if you look back on a year and you don't have tears, whehter they be tears of joy or sorrow, consider the year wasted.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense. lol.
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