Powerless

When I was a little girl I felt so powerless.
I felt in most of my relationships with adults and even other kids that I had no semblance of control or even consequence in the relationship.

Part of it was the relationship I had with Betty and Mae. The way they would speak to me and treat me. From an early age I was told I had little value by adults that should have taken care of me. Add into that normal kid relationships and the fact that I was a bit weird (was?) and you have kids at school telling me I was weird and girls befriending me only to tell me I was embarrassing them and to either stop and act only the way they told me to act or they would never talk to me again.
I first found power in my relationships with boys. Which hurts me still now. Because it wasn't power I wanted. I just wanted to feel wanted, cherished, needed.

I mean, I had people, (a mom, dad, sister, dad's mom and aunts and uncles on dad's side and a handful of friends) in my life that told me they loved me. That cared for me and worked hard to show me I was loved. But I just didn't believe them.

But I'm learning now to redefine my idea of true power. I'm learning my cravings for relational power really stem from a deep and painful desire to feel safe.

I was listening to a book the other day and the author wrote about heart surgery that she had. How the doctor told her after that her heart rate was better, but it would be improving steadily over the next year or so because her heart is a muscle and it had to re-learn how to work properly because it had been working incorrectly for so long.

That's where my heart is now. It's getting better, and it's steadily improving. Because the intentions of my heart, even the very desires of my heart for relational power were wrong. They were motivated by fear and anger.
But that's what getting healthy is about right? Letting my heart re-learn how to work properly because it has been working incorrectly for so long.