So I've started seeing someone.
Someone to talk to and have listen and someone to help me sing a new song .
Two weeks ago was the first meeting and I'm going again tonight. I have homework. I have to write down the deepest desires of my heart and pray about them. I'm supposed to tell God what they are and ask Him to confirm the ones that are also His deepest desires for me and to ask Him to rid me of the ones that are not His plan for me.
So clearly, I have not done the homework yet.
I mean, I've tried to do the homework. I've thought about it and tried to journal about it. I've spoke out loud about it and I just keep coming up blank. I mean, I say something that I think is the deepest desire of my heart and then I think, nah, I can live without that.
I say, oooh what about...that would be nice but I don't need to have it.
Tentatively I'll wonder, wouldn't this be nice?
Then I reply, nice yes.....but so is what I have now and the way things are.
Because I'm so used to making excuses and not wanting things I'm finding it next to impossible to tell God what I want.
I've practiced ambivalence so long I forgot what it's like to really really want something.
I get so worried wondering what it is you want for me and my life that I've been erasing the line between what you want and what I want and making your wants my own.
It's not your fault. The fault is my own.
Even now I can't let you accept the burden. It's mine, completely mine.
Even the examples I was given I've talked myself into and out of a hundred times:
I want to have a husband one day.
But I'm ok on my own, in fact I love the freedom and independence.
I want to have kids one day.
I still can't take care of myself how am I taking care of a kid? I like giving kids back to their parents the best.
It bothers me that the examples I was given were about a husband and kid. Because if I've learned anything from my married with and without kids friends it's that having a husband and babies doesn't solve all your issues, it only magnifies them.
Then I start making up desires that are a smidge ridiculous.
I want to invent something like Silly Bandz and retired at 32.
To shallow. I can't have shallow desires because then I would be shallow and the last thing I want is to be shallow. I don't want people to think I'm not deep.
So I deepen.
I want to spend a life serving other people completely.
Well, that's deeper, but it's a bit vague....how would I serve people. Also, God desires that I serve yes but He also desires that I am able to receive people serving me and that I am loved and cared for.
Damn. Back to the drawing board.
Hopefully I come up with something in the next few hours or else I'll have to read this out loud. Which now that I think of it might be Gods biggest desire for me right now.
To get all this junk out of my head so I can move forward and see what girl Jesus loves.
Because I think the deepest desire of my heart is to be loved. Which I already am. But I want to really know it, to be confident in it, to believe it. Sometimes I think if I can get that deepest desire fulfilled then more desires then I know what to do with will pour fourth like a flood.