These two things

God has worked out a lot of junk from my heart. I will always be a work in progress, but there were a couple junk emergencies when I first met Jesus that just had to be urgently addressed.
But through the years, there has always been something, two things really, that I've declared as mine. "This is mine" I would say, "You can fix and refine all that other stuff, but this is mine."
These two things that are connected and buried down in the deepest and darkest corners of my heart. These two things that I have, to date, absolutely refused to surrender and lay at the feet of the cross. These two things that I hold in steel reinforced death grips and say, "Anything but this Lord, ANYTHING but this."

These two things that bring me such sorrow and mourning, these two things that have cut me to the core. These two things that I carry on my shoulders and shove down my throat with food I am not hungry for.
I've been trying to spend some quality time with Jesus. Consistent, quality, intentional time talking and listening, praising and worshiping him on my own. Alone at my dining room table.
While I knew that when you spend time alone, asking for God to search you and heal you, forgive you, of anything you're holding back, that he will. I was not even a little prepared for the consequences.
I was not prepared how ripped open and raw I would feel. I was not prepared for the beeline God would make for this last vestige of my former life. The life I was supposed to lay down at the foot of the cross and not pick up again. He spoke to me, he came into my dreams, he floats up to me in songs and conversations, he just won't let it go. Much as I am still refusing to let go of my grip on these two things that will only bring me death.
I was not prepared for the fear that would immediately grip me and how panicked I would get to control something, anything, for even a moment to dull the razor sharp edges loosening my grip on these two things would bring.
I was not prepared for the repulsion that would rise like bile in my throat at the thought of the alarm going off at 5am for prayer and worship with God. I was not prepared for the pissy attitude that descended like a cloak to block out the sun.

These two things...I'm going to have to let them go. I know, I know that only good things, only pure and righteous things can come from letting God take these two things I was never meant to carry. Now, I just have to loosen my grip, and let them go.