So what is this? Should I write a what I didn't do in 2008 and what I should in 2009 list out? I couldn't begin to think about what I wanted to say about either of those things, although I've loved reading everyone else's lists. I found myself nodding along and adding their resolutions to the ticker tape scrolling through my head.
I resolved in 2003 to stop making resolutions and I've successfully kept that resolution every day since. I mean, I'll just fail, and lord knows the list of things I've failed at is long enough on it's own without me deliberately adding something to the list.
Are you waiting for the but?
But, the end of 2008 has found me uncomfortably challenged by God. I feel His heavy hands on my heart and on my back pushing me out of my comfort zone. I hear Him calling me into getting very intentional about the time I spend with him. No longer is he satisfied, or at least silent about his dissatisfaction, with my here or there, flying by the seat of my pants devotion to him and time with him alone. To say that the thought of that discipline makes me uncomfortable would be a substantial understatement, and I haven't figured out why. However my sneaking suspicion is laziness, complacency and bad bad habits. We are creature of habits aren't we? I am in the habit of plopping into bed and losing myself in hours long marathons of TV, or spending hours chatting on the phone or literally just staring into space and thinking about.....nothing.
2009 is finding me reflecting more on what it means to have quiet time with God. (I even googled it, which seems really silly now) I'm not sure I know how. As much as I've already prayed it has always seemed to be this awkward exercise in....what? Even know I'm not sure how to classify it.
I'll tell you a secret, don't tell anyone...sometimes I feel like I'm not praying right. Like I'm messing it up, or saying the wrong things, being to formal, or to informal. I spend so much time worried about doing it right that the time I'm trying to spend doing it at all rapidly slips by.
But I am selling myself, heck, I'm selling God short with my unwillingness and worry, with my laziness and complacency. I believe that God is big enough, he is good enough, he is God enough. So maybe I should just get over it and do it already.
3 comments:
I once spoke to one of my pastors about how to pray because like you I had concerns that it wasn't formal enough, or I wasn't doing it right. The pastor told me that prayer is just as personal as religion is.
Prayer is a conversation between you and God, it doesn't matter if it's formal or casual. I personally am uncomfortable with formalities at times so I talk to God like I talk to any of my friends, because he is my best friend. He knows more about me than any human being on the planet. I found it difficult to be formal with someone like that.
It doesn't matter how you talk to God, just that you talk to him. Whether it be while driving, or while staring at the t.v., he knows where your mind is.
Quiet time with God is always good, I know I don't do enough of it, but don't discount the quick conversations you can have with him while you're on your way somewhere, or while you're cooking, he listens regardless.
:)
*nodding*
I totally agree with Pete on this. It's a very personal thing that is between the two of you. I don't think there really is a "wrong" way to talk to God.
When I was little, I used to think you had to use KJV language when you prayed... As an adult, I know now that that is basically a mask that God can see through with his eyes closed.
God knows your heart and your mind, and doesn't "need" you to tell Him what is in either one. But He wants you to.
Additionally, I was present for a really cool sermon at my old church that had to do with putting Jesus' words into context.
He says, basically (not a quote!), "When you pray, pray LIKE this:" and goes on to give what we call the Lord's prayer.
She talked about how we have taken the word "like" out of there altogether, and just repeated that prayer by heart rather than with our hearts.
She was promoting the idea that it is a guideline for praying.
It's 5:15am, and I gotta get ready for work, so I'm probably going to get this messed up somehow...
Jesus starts by recognizing and glorifying God. Putting God first in prayer as we are told we should in everything. Love on Him a bit.
Then we move on to our needs. Our daily bread. What we actually need to physically sustain us.
Jesus then says forgive us as we forgive others. (A whole 'nother post in there, too) A time to reflect on what you feel convicted to repent about, or to just simply ask God to forgive you because you're a silly human and you slip up all the time (raising my hand).
Then Jesus is asking for help to do it better next time. "I just admitted I did wrong, Lord, and I truly am sorry. Help me not do it again." (Apologetic vs. repentant) Jesus is also asking for protection and guidance.
Then He starts loving on His Father some more.
That's a really condensed version of the little bit I remember, but I think it's the vibe anyway. Sorry to throw all that out and run, but work calls...
Well and that's the point I suppose boys. I KNOW all of that, but I have a hard time following through with the emotional aspect of it. It's that fine balance of living out of both of my head and my heart with neither one taking the reigns to completely.
I want to know with my head that I have a King and that he is with me all the time even when I don't feel him close to me and that I will be obedient in my prayer and devotion life even when I don't feel like it. That will create a habit and deepen the relationship for when I need a wellspring to draw on.
But I also want to feel with my heart close to him and see him in everything and everyone which has and will continue to change the way I speak, act, think, speak etc. Those times when it's "easy" to spend time with him just talking and I know what to say.
I don't want to over, or under, intellectualize it and I'm having difficulty walking that line.
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