Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder when I'll stop hearing the "but" after I love you. Sometimes, I stare in the mirror and think that is does not matter what I do the but will always be there, hiding beneath the flesh I can't seem to put down.
Sometimes I wish I could stop seeing her when I look in the mirror, sometimes I wish I wouldn't have written her name on that paper bound for Hawaii.

Sometimes, I wonder. I wonder when I'll stop contorting myself to fit a picture you don't even hold of me. Sometimes I wonder when I'll start believing your words more then my interpretation of your words. Sometimes I wonder what lengths I will go to trying to forget the rage and melancholy the slightest hint of the beginning of the tiniest thought of you will bring. I wonder sometimes if I can ever just let it go, move past it, move on and get over it.
I wonder when I will embrace my true definition, my true value and stop running back to cling to the dirt you talked me into thinking I am.

Sometimes I wonder when I'll stop listening between the lines and just know that you love me. I wonder when exactly I'll put down this weight and stop hiding behind it. Stop using it as an excuse.
Sometimes, I just want you to say, "I love you, you're beautiful" and then stop talking.
Sometimes I hold my breath around you, just waiting for you to say you're proud of me. Sometimes I am stopped, in my everyday walking around life, by someone else, proud of me. I wonder, how deeply it would split me open to hear you say it, because I'm always surprised at how deeply it splits me open to hear it from others who are not, and never could be you.