Paralyzed

Have I mentioned before that I love my church? Well I do.
Ben and his family are on vacation so Greg got a chance to speak on Sunday. I love it when Greg speaks. It seems that everytime I laugh so hard I cry, and then I cry from the transparency that he brings to sharing his personal stories with us from the stage.
He talked on Sunday about a story from I think Luke. It was the one where Jesus was preaching in a house and some friends carried their paralyzed friend on a mat up on the roof, they ripped a hole in the roof and lowered him to the feet of Jesus to be healed. Jesus forgave him of his sins and he was healed. He talked about so many things and of course my mind wandered off as if on a tangent on several things.
But I got to thinking about all those times in the bible that Jesus asks people to follow him. How they dropped everything, left families, wealth, employment and followed him. I thought about how often I can feel the pull and call of Jesus on my life, and I thought about how many times I stood by the side of that road to paralyzed to do anything about it.
A lot of what has paralyzed me has been my weight. Am I in shape enough to go, do I have the stamina to run this marathon, and so many other questions. I've been paralyzed by lack of security in my finances, my debt (that has since been paid off hallelujah), the social stigma and outright craziness of running full force towards something I feel so strongly about. I've been paralyzed by my own mind, by the what ifs and the grudges that I've nurtured.

I decided about this time last year that I was done. To steal some Tony language, I decided that it was going to a "year of Bethany". Now, his is a more relational approach, and mine is more internal I suppose. But I'd been carrying around these wounds, this drama and pain for so long. Now, a year later my heart feels lighter. I'm able to think more clearly. Now, the paralysis is merely physical, no longer mental (or at least not nearly as much). But I'm still here, paralyzed by the side of the road.

I want to be the person sitting on the side of the road, and when Jesus stops and asks me to follow him I get up and go.