If you're everything you say you are, come close and hold my heart

I'm afraid a lot.
I'm afraid people won't like me, I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid. I measure things that I say to make sure they fit, to make sure my freak flag isn't showing to much.
I'm afraid that all of it is a lie and the bottom is about to fall out from underneath me. I'm afraid that I disappoint him, and you, and God, and her, and that person leaning against the wall over there. I'm afraid of losing myself so I try to jam as much in to a day as possible, in case I don't get another one. But I'm afraid that by jamming so much into a day I'm losing myself by not just being.
I used to be afraid of the dark. I'm not talking used to be like 20 years ago when my age was still a single digit. I'm talking, I was afraid of the dark last month. It is only recently that I've been able to sleep with the TV off, which makes my house dark. It is only last week in fact that I've been able to enter my apartment in the dark and walk to my bedroom without turning on every light along the way to scare away the murderers that I sometimes think lurk in the shadows.

I'm afraid to be bold. I'm afraid to not be bold. I'm afraid to speak the truth out loud, and I'm afraid to keep quiet. I'm afraid of being thin, I'm afraid of getting fatter. I'm afraid no one will ever love me thoroughly enough to keep me from wondering if all the trouble is worth it. I'm afraid of not fighting the fight hard enough to make it worth it.
I'm afraid that I'm to afraid of thing, but I'm afraid of not being afraid because of all the danger that could befall me.
I'm afraid I'm not praying correctly so my prayers aren't really processed. I'm afraid that's a stupid thing to think because isn't praying just a conversation? I'm afraid that when I try to have a conversation with God I have nothing to say, but everything to say at the exact same time. Sometimes I'm afraid that even though you love me, you don't really like me. I'm afraid that's my fault.
I'm afraid that I've gone so long feeling afraid that it has become enmeshed in the very definition of who I am.

I'm afraid a lot.
There is some statistic about the number of times fear not is mentioned in the bible. Maybe Justin can help me with that information because I don't know. (Because I'm afraid I don't know much about the bible, but I'm afraid to learn because of the dark places it will shine a light into)
I'm afraid that isn't a coincidence.

So what do I do now? How do I begin to live fearlessly and recklessly while at the same time being careful and deliberate? How do I balance the long term goal and the pressure I feel to be financially secure with the irrational and panic inducing longing that is floating up in my heart and whispering to my soul?
I'm afraid I just don't know.
I'm afraid of the tears that come to my eyes uninvited during these silent evenings at home, and sometimes during the loud raucous music in the car. I'm afraid of the way my heart is being broken every day, I'm afraid of a lifetime of a breaking heart because sometimes the sorrow and grief I see in life is just to much for me to bear. I'm afraid that my breaking heart is just as overwhelmed by the goodness, compassion and love that I see tangibly shown in life too. I'm afraid I don't know how to keep my heart from breaking when the light and the dark both break it.
I'm afraid that everything I know is wrong. I'm afraid that my King is calling me out and the consequences will shatter everything I thought was true and right.

One life that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are, won't you come close, and hold my heart