But I think that it's coming along.
I'm learning more and more how to verbalize what I see in my head when I think about outreach and I was telling Ryan the other day that I'm surprised my head hasn't exploded because of the influx of everything I've learned in the last few months through reading, and doing, and just experiencing everything.
It's like this parallel that is happening in my life that I'm still figuring out how to adjust to. This week, while feeling this extreme grief and inward sorrow I'm able to for long periods of time focus intentionally on other things. In the past I've been able to do that but it's been more of a coping mechanism, busyness that I've hidden in.
I think that in all my panicked grief the other night I lost sight for awhile of how different it really is this year.
I drank yes. But not for as long as before, and I called someone while sipping the 2nd beverage and talked about what was going on in my head.
I didn't drink last night....that's an improvement.
I'm not hiding in inappropriate relationships either.
It's like the day you look at your kids, or your nieces/nephews and realize that they've all of the sudden grown 3 inches overnight.
It's refreshing.
Allowing myself to be comforted is something new too. Even as recently as last year I held this grief close to me and pushed those away that might have helped me. Even, and often especially God.
Psalm 77:2
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched
out
untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
For the last several months I've been on a growing spree, and not just in my leadership capacity, but personally, and in my heart, and in the wounds that I've been nursing, some for 20+ years. It knocks me down, and throws me against walls a lot, but I'm learning to get back up faster. I atribute this to leaning more and more on God then I've ever dared trust him before, but I also believe that a lot of it is you all. I've found myself opening up more to people, and not just on the internet then I've ever done before. So far only one of you has run screaming (kidding!). I love all of you that are concerned and comfort me. It means more then I can say without being all socially awkward and throwing up right before stumbling away in embarrassment.
You all being here, just listening, and putting up with my sorrow is exactly what I've been needing. I so appreciate it.
2 Corinthians 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
compassion and the God of all comfort
1 comment:
This entry warms my heart and makes me so proud of you!!
(((((((((HUG)))))))))))))
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