Empty

Filled up with so much frivolity
So scared and determined to find that which is terrible in you
It would be so much easier if I could just hate you, loathe you, and cut you out
But I can't.

To long now I've been filling myself with things that don't last. I expected you to be the same.
Fleeting, full of flavor but no sustenance.
I can't shake you, I can't walk away as much as I want to.

I'm done, I have to be done losing myself in these things that have no meaning, no consequence. For as long as it fills me up, I feel emptier still when the moment has passed.
Irrationality and the seductive lure of manipulation keep trying to settle into my mind.
Unacceptable.

John 6:35
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.

I need to stop filling up on things that don't sustain me. I need to stop searching for and latching on to things that aren't true. When I was a kid I had this dream, based on a story that I was told by messed up adults. For years I believed that the dream was true. I was so scared to tell anyone, to mention what I thought was real because I knew that I would get in trouble, that I had disobeyed. It was true to me.
I joke about these imaginary things, I write about them and write them off. But I live there. I really do.
Easier to live somewhere that I know is a dream, isn't true, isn't real...then to live in what I think is reality and realize one day years and years later that it's a dream.
But it has to stop.
One inch at a time, I'm removing myself from that world I've created. I'm still dreaming, but about eternal things, things that when I invest in them I'm helping to create something that has a lasting and sustainable impact.

I'm feeling less empty these days, more stable and focused then I have in so long. It's an odd feeling. If I'm not careful, I'll get used to it.