Unbreakable: Broken Heart on the Mend

I've been listening to all the sermons from 4Corners from the beginning lately (I love podcasts) and I listened to one ...and for the life of me I can't remember the title and I haven't had a chance to figure out which one...and you know it might be from Mars Hill or Imago Dei...hmmm where the heck did I hear that sermon?
But the pastor talked about broken hearts and lives and how we shut ourselves off and protect our hearts so much that they become unbreakable.
As nonchalant as I try to appear about this whole transition that shall not be named it really has sparked a lot of memories and feelings about my broken heart and how I've taken it upon myself to protect it so severely.
After John I was so shredded, so tattered and small that I just kept swallowing down the pain and sorrow I felt with gulps of vodka and puffs of smoke. When he and I started talking again we disected our relationship and subsequent break up to the nth degree.
These conversations, while so rewarding and necessary sometimes seemed to cause so much more pain then I thought I could deal with. But I kept pushing through, thinking that there is bound to be pain in the healing of such wounds.
But in retrospect, when vision is always so much clearer, I spent the majority of the time assuring him that I wasn't broken, that I was ok and he hadn't ruined me, that when I found someone to date I would and I would be fine....undiminished.
It was still years before I would go on a date, before I would overcome the wave of nausea that accompanies my thoughts of getting close with a new person, a man nonetheless.

So I dated. He's a great guy, funny, smart, articulate, etc.. But still....I held myself apart. I worked hard at ambivilance and detachment thinking that it was the only way to proceed...no longer would I be that silly girl that was so lost in another person that I couldn't find my way to the surface.
It worked. I won't say that I continued to be ambivilant, but there was always a certain level of detachment that I forced upon the situation to guard my heart from a future.
We decided to just be friends....which is ok, because above and beyond my relationship issues there are good and valid reasons that it wasn't going to work out and I'm thankful that he and I were able to have honest conversations about that in a way that allowed us to be friends...because as I said, he is a great guy.

Now....I'm not dating again. Wondering if it will be another 5 years before I'll be brave enough to muster up the courage to be ambivilant and aloof to some other guy.
It's not that I hate being single. There is great feedom and satisfaction in all that I do. I find a lot of fullfillment in the outreach ministry and with my friends and family.
But when the pastor was talking about this holding back of your heart....this idea that by protecting your heart and your soul so viciously you're really missing out on the joys of loving and being loved.....it touched something deep within me and reverberated as true.
I know that I can be a difficult person to love, and I sometimes find it terribly difficult to love other people....well scratch that, I mean it's not that I find them difficult to love, what I think I mean is that once I love them I find it difficult to maintain an appropriate expression of that affection.
I know this is probably making no sense.....
I was laying in bed last night thinking about this and wondering what people in relationships talk about all the time. Sometimes I have no idea what to say to people....and I mean not just strangers. I feel like even with the people I love the most I often have no idea what to say...and not just in times of crisis...hell to be honest in times of crisis I know exactly what to say.
But often the mundane everyday conversation of living in relationship with other people I don't know what to say, or how to appropriately communicate to them that I love them and that I care.
I've gotten off track....

So I've been thinking that what I've really been doing...for (gosh!) about 6 years now is holding my breath, waiting for a time when I can safely be in a relationship with a man in a way that I know won't end up with me being lied to for a year...with me being devestated and broken hearted. Even though all the platitudes and hallmark cards, and lifetime movies, and feel good books and movies tell me that I should love like I won't get hurt the reality of that is so much harder then I've ever really wanted it to be.
Like with my finances I've stuck my head in the sand and figured that it would all work out somehow. I've also seemed to assume that everything is my fault...if it doesn't work out, well it's probably because I'm not thin enough, or funny enough, or smart enough (can we get off this enough cycle already!).
When in reality, that may be the case...but someone somewhere may be able to love me despite my enough issues, and my broken heart. They may be able to see past this bravado that I put up for everyone (except the internet apparently) and they may be able to call me on my ambivilance and name it for what it is....fear.

I don't know if I can be brave enough to break down all these defenses I have that keep me from even thinking about considering attempting to be in a relationship (I'm getting nauseous already). But I'm working on it, more honestly then I think I have in the last 6 years.
That's a start right?