Book List

Rather than review every book as I read them, which I found quite mundane (I'm...not a reviewer). I thought I'd list out the books I read with links and a general good, great, couldn't put it down, or couldn't finish it.

Here's the books I read in 2011:

1- Vanishing and Other Stories: Loved the first handful of stories than petered out and couldn't finish. But they were all kind of depressing stories and I was kind of depressed which wasn't a good combination. Mix between good and couldn't finish it.

2- Every Last One: Loved it. Couldn't put it down. Which was unfortunate last one night when I realized I had just read about a home invasion and triple homicide right before I was supposed to lay down and go to sleep.

3- Blessings: Loved it. Couldn't put it down and couldn't quite figure out what what going to happen when.

4- The Improper Life of Bezelia Grove: As soon as I read about this one over at The Lost Entwife I knew that like her it was a book for me. Hellllo improper life! It was amazing. I couldn't put it down and read it in two days. So amazing.

5- Putting Away Childish Things- I thought it was a good book. It was a bit academic in it's discussion of faith, but it was a discussion of faith in an academic setting so I wouldn't really have expected less.

6- Girl In Translation - Very good. Inspiring story of a girl growing up straddling the old world and the new world.

7- Room - AMAZING. Could not put it down.

8- Where the God of Love Hangs Out - Only ok. Compilation of short stories, some of which were actually small novellas.

9- Unbearable Lightness - Very good, read 1/2 of it one day and finished it the next

10- Autobiography of Mark Twain Volume 1 -I wanted to like this, I really really did. Since he had put a ban on publishing it for 100 years after his death I thought there would be salacious things in it. It read more like a land survey and political meet and greet. It might have gotten better, but it was a brick of a book and I only made it a few hundred pages in.

11- Black Heels to Tractor Wheels - Couldn't put it down. So swoony and lovely

12- The Distant Hours - So juicily suspenseful and a little creepy. LOVE Kate Morton and am sad that I have finished her last book (there are only 3). READ these books. They are AMAZING.

13- The Weight of Silence - Amazing. Couldn't put it down and read it late in the night and at stoplights

14- These Things Hidden - Same author as #13, also couldn't put it down and gasped audibly at one point (or 4)

15. Little Bird of Heaven -Good, I read it while reading 3 other non-fictions books so it took a bit to get through it but it was worth it by the end

16. Don't Breathe a Word - Couldn't put it down. I read it in about 6 hours straight with a break for making pasta salad for a cookout. Deliciously creepy, I had to finish it in one sitting because I needed to find the logical ending to make sure the creepy other worldly stuff didn't keep me up tonight.

17. Place of Yes -I have a massive slight obsession with Bethenny Frankel. So I bought this book because it was about her and her journey and I loved it. Not everything was my bag, but that's ok, I still think she's amazeballs

18- Alice, I Have Been - SO GOOD. I read it in a weekend. So juicy and historically swoony

19- The Help - I really didn't want to like this book because it was so popular..but I really really loved it and couldn't put it down for the most part. I also talked like domestic help in rural 60's Mississippi which was fun for Pete.

20- The Art of Forgetting- I stayed up way to late reading this book, like 2am when I had to be up at 6am book. Interesting story involving the dynamics of when the more dominant friend changes because of traumatic brain injury. Very..coming into her own story from the point of view of the more submissive friend

21- Heaven- Ok, I know they're garbage. I just got a wild hair to read the series again. So I did.

22- Dark Angel - 2nd in the Heaven series. The more I read them the more appalled I am that I read them before I was even a teenager. But now, they're just campy fun.

23- Fallen Hearts- 3rd in the Heaven series, again...so appalled that I read them so young but can't put them down...again

24- Gates of Paradise- 4th in the Heaven series

25- Web of Dreams- 5th and final installment of the Casteel family drama

25- Last Letter from Your Lover - Very good, a little confusing with all the flashbacks but it all sorted out deliciously.

26 - If I Stay - This and book 27 ago together. So good and compelling.

27- Where She Went - Quick read, but still very compelling and good. Reminder of all the collateral damage that trauma to people you love but aren't technically your "family" can cause and how hard it is to recover from all the fractures.

28- Once Was Lost - Very compelling and I didn't guess who did it which is a big plus

29- Sisters in Sanity - So good, the same author of books 26 & 27

30- The Legacy - Creepily good and a nice twist at the end

Poisoned Fruit

I've been watching a lot of Law & Order lately. When they get to the courtroom scenes there is often a battle over what evidence should be admitted in the trial. If one big piece is omitted then it can have a domino effect on a lot of other smaller pieces of evidence.

Fruit of the poisonous tree is what they call that evidence.

That's how life feels lately.

Every broken relationship
Every cutting comment
Every knock down drag out fight
Every shaming scoff

Fruit of the poisonous tree.

The generational sin and brokenness that feels like poison seething through my veins so I want to rip the roots out of my familiy tree and plant it in less fallow ground.

I feel panicked wondering how I can change my own behaviors and attitudes to help change the tide of bitterness, anger and snark that rears its hideous head.

I feel afraid, wounded and damaged. Wishing I could strike back like a snake. Teaching lessons and hurting those that hurt me, shame me and others. Putting a stop to those who belittle and dimiss others. I wish I could shout loud enough to make their eyes open to the damage their indifference and cruelty is causing.

But I can't. I don't have a pretty bow to wrap this all up. All I know is that I am called to be gracious and loving to everyone; even when I feel like they don't deserve it anymore.

The tension for me is in setting boudaries and keeping them while at the same time being gracious and kind.
Loving the best I can the people in our family even when they behave so unloveable.

Good Things: November

I started late this month, and now I can't remember a good thing for the first 3 days. Whoops!


November 4 Breakfast at work, yum!

November 5 Puss and Boots with Matthew. It was super funny

November 6 Extra hour of sleep!

November 7 Small group time is awesome time. This one time at Meijer...

November 8 Election Day, the day I celebrate the end of hearing about all those electiony things

November 9 Happy Birthday, Katy! I love you!

November 10 Family Night

November 11 Mom and Dad came into town and saw the new kitchen!

November 12 WICKED! LOVE!

November 13 Unexpected Sunday afternoon to myself. I was deliciously unproductive. Extra time with my church peeps too, love them.

November 14 Amber came over to play! Snarky HP watching!

November 15 Therapy is hard, but it's nice being able to share and be validated without emotional blackmail ensuing

November 16 I may never tire of playing Dr. Mario

November 17 Dr. Mario is a game you can play which allows you to not think about anything else

November 18 Friday! It's FRIDAY! I'm so over work right now

November 19 Hair appointment, lunch with a friend and J Edgar movie

November 20 Helping Sharen decorate for Christmas and dinner with friends

November 21 Love my small group. TWINKIES!

November 22 5pm eventually showed up at work, which made me very happy

November 23 Peaceful drive up to my parents house with Sharen, Shelby and Matthew

November 24 Yummy Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping started at 930 and there were some ridiculous laughs in the Elder-Beerman parking lot

November 25 Continued Black Friday shopping until past 4am. A lot of fun!

November 26 Saw the Muppets and laughed a lot

November 27  Sleeping in my own bed!

November 28 Signed up for Pinterest, this may be the beginning of the end

November 29 Entertaining, if useless 4 hour meeting at work where an 80ish year old man talked about his blog more times than required.

November 30 Straight home from work!

Good Things: October

October 1- Fun morning hanging with Laine before heading home. Sleeping in my own bed!

October 2- Kirsten was baptized!

October 3- Dr. Mario after work

October 4- Came home sick from work, slept on the sofa and watched tv all day

October  5- Stayed home sick from work, slept and had fever dreams all day. It was....interesting

October 6- Still sick, this cold just won't quit.

October 7- Worked all day on about 3 hours of sleep, I was highly entertaining

October 8- Beauty and the Beast at the Aranoff

October 9- Lots more time on the sofa today, Dr. Mario and Netflix for the win!

October 10- Columbus Day means slow day at work, after almost 2 weeks off and non-functional this girl really needed that

October 11- Good therapy

October 12- Dr. Mario and one of the last meals in my counterless kitchen

October 13- Family Night for the first time in a long time

October 14- Started dogsitting, picked all the movies to watch this weekend on their movie channels

October 15- Movies all day long!

October 16- Beautiful day, lovely lunch with Claire and hanging at the dog park watching cute pups

October 17- Boss' Day at work was a lot of fun

October 18- Girlfriends Night Out!

October 19- The counters were installed!

October 20- Last night of dogsitting

October 21- Lovely night spent organizing the kitchen

October 22- Matthew's special day! He said as he was falling asleep he wished the day was just starting instead of ending. So adorable

October 23- Pete's home! Burgers at Amber's with much giggling!

October 24- Meal planning to cook in the new kitchen

October 25- Grocery shopping and running water/working dishwasher in the kitchen

October 26- Loooong day at work, but wine and still warm dinner when I got home thanks to my fifties housewife Pete

October 27- Family night telling remember when stories with the kids and playing dueling fart noises

October 28 - Clean sheet night!

October 29- Amber's Halloween Party! I was the bearded lady

October 30- Meatloaf balls!

October 31- Trick or Treating with Sharen, Matthew, Pete nd Doug

Home

My throat has dried up.I've been paralyzed by what to say, overcome again and again by the fear of rejection, the fear of abandonment.
Working through intimacy issues steadfastly ignored for at least 20 years if not the full 32 is scary. Scary because I have to try to re-build my belief that I am valuable because I am a child of God. Even if I did nothing else ever for the rest of my life I would have value simply because God made me.

Because I don't believe it. I doubt it so greatly that I've convinced myself (along with a substantial amount of help from others) that it's true.

I feel dry. So dry and sapped and strung out on fear and paranoia I can't see the top of the hole I've dug for myself to hide in.

But through it all I hear God whispering that he won't leave. If I can be frank, and it's my blog so I think I will be, I don't believe him yet.
With every relationship I seem to have long lapses of times where I hold my breath waiting for them to figure out that I'm no good. That I'm garbage to be thrown away when I'm no longer entertaining or useful.
Because that's who I see when I look in the mirror.

Garbage.
Useless.
Not good.

But that God is persistent. Even as I turn my face from him, even as I shout at him that he made a mistake when he made me because I'm NO GOOD he just stays put, stubbornly.

I stopped leading. The transition has been better and more terrible than I anticipated. Better because I have had my pastors clearly express to me they care for me no matter what. Better because I have experienced them allowing me to exit and go quiet because they want to help me honor God in truly resting and refreshing in this time. Terrible because I secretly wonder if they're relieved the be done with me. Terrible because I feel useless and therefore I'm not worth anything if I'm not doing doing doing.
Let me be clear that most days I know it's not true.
Most days I can inhale without choking and exhale without sobbing.
It's the some days that pour shadows over the sun and I wonder if I'll ever again believe these lovely people and this mighty God love me.

But I'm starting to feel the inkling of belief. The echo of a memory of the deep down knowing that God is here. He's here and he's not leaving and he's sticking around no matter what. It feels so strange.

But it also feels like home.

seeing myself sitting against the wall of the cavern with my tired head laying atop my arms slung over my knees and realizing it’s where i am and where i’ve been for a while, i found i wasn’t alone. seeing this in my mind’s eye for the first time, jesus sat with his arm around me. ‘we can stay here as long as you need to, mary kathryn,’ i heard in my heart. ‘and i will stay here with you. but i will not let you stay here forever.'

(Inspired by: Bottom-Dwellers)

but anger is the mask fear wears until it either becomes a monster of hate or a puddle of clay which only christ can mold and fix and change in his own image. (via)

Being There

I got back this weekend from about a week with a friend. One I've had for just about 20 years.
Over the last 20 years we're lived both near and far from each other many times over. We've spoken every day and not at all for months at a time. We've gone through life changes both by choice and by nature; both hard, difficult and messy as well as lovely, celebratory and easy to navigate.
In 20 years we've been there.

I was thinking during our time together this week that it's not easy, maintaining a friendship. As evidenced over this past year God has been stripping, re-making and molding my relationships, specifically those with other adult women.
It has honestly stunk.
I've lost friends, or at least been downgraded to mere acquaintance and made several new friends that I am so thankful to have in my life now.

This is the first time I've really spent any real time with Laine since the last (and biggest) change in his life. I told him over lunch one day that I was nervous. Because I didn't want to say the wrong thing or offend him or his friends with my inexperience with this latest life change. I didn't have any experiences to compare going through this change to, it's outside any realm of comprehension that I could imagine. So I'm just trying to love him well and figure out what that looks like as I go, which isn't always perfect or correct.

I'm just being there. I'm showing up even when it's awkward or uncomfortable, I'm showing up when it's easy and fun and when it's hard and humbling.

Because it's all I know how to do, and somehow that has been enough for us the last 20 years.

Good Things: September

September 1 Nice meeting dreaming about outreach with leaders at my church

September 2 12 hour day at work, looooooong day but getting a little caught up

September 3 Lazy day swimming and watching Netflix

September 4 Great conversation with Claire at lunch and Friday Night Lights

September 5 Day on the sofa with brief breaks to switch laundry

September 6 Day 1 of 2 that I'm working this week

September 7 Road Trip to South Carolina with some church peeps. I love my church, I really really do

September 8 Man oh man, today. The whole conference and everything the speakers spoke about, the road trip back plumbing the depths of my ipod and listening to kingdom dreams being chatted about while watching scenery slip past. Today was my favorite in a long time, awake for 23 hours and loved every second.

September 9 Day 2 of 2 that I'm working this week. I'm not even tired, LOVE that.

September 10 Building bookcases and the Washington Project cookout

September 11 Afternoon on the sofa watching Netflix

September 12 Watched an SUV stuck on a boulder (yep, a boulder) get unstuck by a deaf former UFC guy yanking on it with a tow strap (the truck was jacked up so it wouldn't fall on dude). His fist pump after was the best part

September 13 Texts with Laine planning our friend-cation!

September 14 The kitchen table went up! It's starting to feel like a real house!

September 15 Happy Birthday, Matthew!

September 16 First night dog sitting in a long time, almost made me miss cable (almost)

September 17 Matthew's birthday part, lots of loud kids and some yummy cake

September 18 Downloaded Dr. Mario on the Wii...productivity has ground to a halt in the house again

September 19 Bought my counter tops today. My bank account doesn't think it's a good thing but my kitchen does

September 20 Girlfriends Night Out! There was an odd amount of talk on the topic of booger eating...

September 21 Dr. Mario and hanging out on the sofa all night

September 22 Dinner out celebrating a friends birthday. Lots of laughing and hilarity ensued.

September 23 Last day of work until October!

September 24 Game night with Amber and got my hair did.

September 25 Good conversation about churchy volunteer stuff. It was nice to be care for in such a way.

September 26 Driving to Pennsylvania and seeing Laine!

September 27 Lots and lots of vagina jokes today, none of which I was comfortable putting on the interwebs

September 28 Had a cider slush....oh my goodness, SO AMAZING

September 29 I may have been drunk twice today, I can't confirm or deny this

September 30 Benefit show with Laine, he did a great job at his show. Chacha McDouchenstein