This Morning

It struck me this morning as I cut the flowers and filled out the card that this is the first friend i made after it all crashed down.
I noticed my barriers and hoops set to guard against feeling to fond of someone else bound only to disappoint and leave me. I felt my reticence to invest or care.
But birthdays are my weakness. I wanted to say thank you for friendship and allowing God to use her in redeeming my faith in friendship.
I saw it as the heavy burden it was and I wondered for not the first time if it was me.
Too much, yet somehow not enough. Saying the wrong things, expecting too much.
I still don't know what it was that shifted that day when a game was more important than a promise. I still don't know where she went or what she's doing now. I still don't know how to heal the gap left in my life by her absence, by the absence of her friendship.

I wanted to throw away the flowers and card today. I worry it's too much and my eagerness for friendship I can trust again will be seen as weird and needy. But I mean it. I don't know why it has to be weird to feel genuinely grateful for the people in your life and how they affect you. It must just be the expressions of it. I don't know how to express my affection and gratitude "normally" some would say.

She used to call me weird. If I was different or loud. I thought it was something she loved about me. The zany ways, loud laughter and all. Now I struggle to believe she even loved me at all.


Wake Up

When I was young I didn't know that divorce existed. I didn't know that marriages could end. I was young when an uncle went through a divorce and because it was news to me that marriages could end I asked my parents why my uncle wasn't married to my aunt anymore.
I was told that my uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.  Years later a 2nd uncle's marriage ended. I was a teenager and asked the same questions. I'd had a friend by that point whose parents divorced but I wasn't bold enough to ask her why. So I asked again why this 2nd uncle wasn't married anymore.
I was told again that this 2nd uncle's wife just woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be married anymore.

Now, I do understand that these were attempts at age appropriate answers to hard, complicated questions. Through my adult eyes I understand marriages end for a myriad of reasons that are rarely completely 1one persons fault. But to my kid eyes it seemed a reasonable enough cause, I guess.

It's no secret I have relationship issues, and abandonment issues exacerbated by long-term relationships (specifically those of the romantic nature). A couple of months ago I reconnected with a family member and we began swapping stories and information. I relayed the stories of my uncles divorces and the reasons I was given for the end of their marriage. But as I sat on the sofa messaging with my family member it hit me, that was probably not actually the reason my uncles were divorced.

I know, duh. Right?

Here I was, 33 years old, still believing the age appropriate reason for divorce. It struck me that combined with my sense of abandonment, that people always leave, and the entrenched belief that these two uncles who I loved deeply and I had put on the pedestal fun uncles are often put on were left by women that just decided one day they didn't want to be married anymore; it's no wonder I'm certain any marriage I might enter into would only end in being left.

If people can just wake up one morning and decide to leave then what's to stop it from happening to me? I mean; I get now that it's not true. But I still sort of believe it, in large and small ways.

It's definitely on my list of "things to talk about with my therapist", but this last month the impact of realizing how deeply I believed that people just wake up one day and decide not to be married has been churning inside of me.
I don't know where it goes from here, but the freedom of discovering another lie, another broken belief and knowing that once it's discovered it can be fought against and overcome has been overwhelming.


Good Things: September

September 1 A pitcher of Sangria & tipsy bookstore roaming with Angie

September 2 Dog-sitting with cable

September 3 Clearing out the camo room in preparation for the conversion to grown up guest room

September 4 My new awesome water bottle came! It says, "There's a chance this is vodka"

September 5 I love that Pete is letting me read my hilarious book out loud to him. Even when I laugh to hard to actually read.

September 6 Accusing Angie of being drunk all day and wiping the floor with George the Glow-worm in Mario Kart

September 7 Peeling 4 layers of high gloss paint off the walls with Amber, Darren & Pete. They're my favorite people

September 8 Lazy Saturday interrupted by bursts of productivity

September 9 Reds Game with Pete, Sharen & Matthew

September 10 Yummy stuffed pepper casserole

September 11 The Voice is back on TV, it touches me in my spirit

September 12 Early morning encouragement and care over "coffee" (because I drink water not coffee) with Ben

September 13 Watching Newsroom at the dog sitting house

September 14 Rosh Hashanah, wait are you Russian and talking about my Kris Kross birthday party while at work

September 15 Happy Birthday, Matthew! You're my favorite nephew!

September 16 ColdStone Ice Cream

September 17 Chugged through a lot of work today

September 18 Girlfriends Night Out!

September 19 Sleeping in my own bed with clean sheets for the first time in a week

September 20 I know what we can reward them with, parrots and fire breathing Weight Watchers!

September 21 Dinner, drinks and on the patio with a fire

September 22 Fun at Costco and out with Pete & Angie

September 23 Slept a lot today and loved every minute of it

September 24 Got the date for when some work news will be announced

September 25 3 Months until Australia!

September 26 Reading out loud to Pete from a hilarious book. I love that he lets me read out loud to him

September 27 Chiropractic care, finally!

September 28 Geek Games is back!

September 29 Apple Fest

September 30 4 Corners Church is always my good thing on Sundays. I really love my church