It struck me this morning as I cut the flowers and filled out the card that this is the first friend i made after it all crashed down.
I noticed my barriers and hoops set to guard against feeling to fond of someone else bound only to disappoint and leave me. I felt my reticence to invest or care.
But birthdays are my weakness. I wanted to say thank you for friendship and allowing God to use her in redeeming my faith in friendship.
I saw it as the heavy burden it was and I wondered for not the first time if it was me.
Too much, yet somehow not enough. Saying the wrong things, expecting too much.
I still don't know what it was that shifted that day when a game was more important than a promise. I still don't know where she went or what she's doing now. I still don't know how to heal the gap left in my life by her absence, by the absence of her friendship.
I wanted to throw away the flowers and card today. I worry it's too much and my eagerness for friendship I can trust again will be seen as weird and needy. But I mean it. I don't know why it has to be weird to feel genuinely grateful for the people in your life and how they affect you. It must just be the expressions of it. I don't know how to express my affection and gratitude "normally" some would say.
She used to call me weird. If I was different or loud. I thought it was something she loved about me. The zany ways, loud laughter and all. Now I struggle to believe she even loved me at all.