I spend a lot of time thinking about my currency. What is it I have that makes ma valuable to others? Is it really true or is it something I perceive to be my value?
The information I hold
The access to others
The entertainment value I contribute to a conversation
It's all very pathetic to me; this wondering about my value.
I noticed recently that the only contact I have with someone is when they ask about someone else. Unless we are in the same room for an extended period of time our conversation is usually restricted to only being about this other person (or specific group of people this person is in).
As if without the access or window into this other person there is little left to discuss. There is little to no (or only superficial) interest in anything about me without this other person.
I know I could probably try more, I know I could probably reveal any number of things about myself that would incite a topic of conversation about someone else or my life.
The thing is, I have.
But only a few minutes can pass before the conversation naturally or unnaturally turns back to this other person who holds what seems like a higher or more important place than I.
It feels selfish. It feels selfish to me, so I imagine it will likely sound selfish to others. If I bring it up I will be "oh no, it's not like that at all'd" away.
So I don't bring it up.
Rather I haven't brought it up.
I can feel my resignation dwindling. I can feel the words gurgling about in my throat ready to take the risk in asking, "what about me?"
I'm terrified of the answer. But some questions need answered either way.