Since Friday was the 1st of the month (which is Good Things day!) I'm posting a Five Minute Friday on Monday. Try to keep up will you...
Ok, the rule is to type for five minutes and post whatever vomits out of my fingertips. May God be with you all.
Sometimes I just sit back and watch the world around me with wonder. I wonder when it's going to be acceptable to just be honest with each other and ourselves. I wonder if I can maintain all of my bravado and ask the 5 word question I need to ask to that person when I need to ask it.
Because I wonder.
I wonder if they'll tell me the truth
I wonder if they lie if I'll even know it
I wonder why I care so much
Then I remember. Because when I find out that you lie I feel like a fool. Your lying shames me even if I did nothing wrong.
Your underhanded and duplicitous ways confuse and entangle me in a web of deceit I want no part of anymore.
So I wonder if you can stop.
I wonder if you really want to.
I wonder where and when to draw the line in pursuit of this relationship because I already feel scared and unsafe and the relationship hasn't even begun.
But I wonder....where is the grace filled line.
The line where I give you grace and in the calmest and most respectful and straightforward manner tell you that if this doesn't stop I can't continue to build this relationship with you.
I wonder what that means to my other relationships, if they will judge me harshly for setting a boundary and telling you that you cannot cross it or I cannot be in relationship to you.
In theory I know it's healthy. In theory I know it's good. But I wonder what reality will do to that theory and I wonder at my ability to maintain the healthy boundary because if the past is any indication of my future it will be a blurry line that you are fully capable of pushing.
But still I wonder, because I want to try. I want to try to ask you the question and if the answer is yes I want to get up and leave and tell you that I could love you and care for you but there have to be some ground rules or else it's just another uneven relationship with you shaming me with your lies and me saying please ma'am, may I have another.
I feel strong.
But I wonder if I'm strong enough.