I've noticed something about myself lately.
I feel the need to tell people who I am. Specifically I feel the need to tell people I'm a paranoid, hot, socially awkward mess.
I caught myself the other day in a conversation with some people I don't know that well. I mean, I know them..but I don't KNOW know them, you know?
I spent an inordinate amount of time parlaying paranoia stories and telling them all about awkward things that I have done.
I mean, if I really feel that awkward and embarrassed all the time maybe I shouldn't point out awkward and embarrassing things about myself.
I think I'm trying to prepare them.
So often I feel like I let people down and disappoint them and I think vomiting up all my awkward and embarrassing features makes me feel like I'm telling them from the start; "You better not love me, because I'll only let you down."
I don't really know what to do about it. It's definitely something I'm working through. But I've become so adept at rejecting love or friendship before it is even offered because I'm sure it will only be taken away from me in the end that I don't even really notice I do it anymore.