Jake and Cody were here this weekend. We decided to just specifically sit around the house and hang out. During the course of the weekend we watched several comedy specials on Netflix.
They were pretty funny. I thought they were funny. But I also noticed that whenever I laughed I would look at the rest of the people in the room.
Then once I noticed that I was doing it, I couldn't help but notice I did it every single time.
I also noticed that when I would laugh (and inevitably look at the others) and they weren't laughing I wouldn't laugh as long, or if I would I would feel really self conscious.
Now, these people are my friends. They're my good friends. I know they love me and I know they care about me and I know they know I'm weird as hell and they love me anyway. So it doesn't make any sense but I also kind of get it.
I spent so many years believing that people would only like me if I was exactly like them. I'd been called weird and embarrassing so much I was convinced of it. It was either embrace it and take it to a completely ridiculous and over the top level or violently align myself with the person (people) I was with just in case.
It was (and still is) exhausting.
I'm working on figuring out what kind of girl I am, and more than that, believing in the kind of girl that God made me to be.
It's just that the in between space of "I'm in to far to turn back to the old me and I can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel to the new me" that is scary and lonely and sometimes really confusing.
But sitting around for hours with friends that love me even if they tease my oddity (in a loving and appropriate way) is definitely great medicine.