I say friend, because that's what Facebook calls us. I haven't talked to her in years. I haven't talked to the person whose interaction with me is the only thread that holds me to her anymore at all in over a year although there are the occasional texts.
It's odd to me, how people that can be so encompassing and important in your life fade to mere numbers in your friend count on Facebook.
Lately I've felt overwhelmed with any aspect of relationships. While I acknowledge my desperate need to relationships and community I have felt terribly vulnerable and unsafe to the point of complete isolation for awhile now. I just can't seem to shake it.
But I was struck at how consumed I was by friendship with this person several years back and how so much can change when you move away.
As you often do I pinged through numerous mutual friends pages and clicked through photo albums here and there and I was startled at how easy it was to find my mind sliding back into the drama, back into the angst and back into these relationships that while I cherished them at the time are much better off in the past tense than the present for me.
I found myself wondering if I had been who I am now, so much healthier mentally and emotionally than I was then, if I would have walked away sooner. If I would have cut ties with those toxic relationships that I can only really appreciate as toxic with all this time and geographical distance between us.
It's just funny, relationships. We're built to need them so badly that we risk so much to have them. I'm just having to remind myself lately they are worth having.