This Christmas has been a bit of a contradiction for me.
I've been intentional about pulling back and not over committing financially or with my time. I've tried (often unsuccessfully) to read through meditations on Advent for the first time and I got stuck on hope.
Much like Thanksgiving I found myself struggling with the chaos that was happening (and continues to rage on) in my heart and the peace being sold to me through Hallmark and Folgers commercials. I struggled to hold on to the hope that this black cloud will someday (maybe soon) pass from my heart and I can breathe again.
It's a weird toned down Christmas this year. But I'm working on holding onto the glimpses of hope I can see when the clouds momentarily part.
I'm working to hold onto the kindnesses and I love you's I hear and even accept occasionally.
There's a lot rolling around in my head and heart about hope right now. But nothing seems to be able to come out of my mouth or fingertips about it. Maybe soon. Right now I'm just trying to be still and remember that He is God and I don't have to have it all figured out right now.