Greedy

I was thinking tonight about how I'm a greedy person.
Not in the sense of money or possessions (although I like both and often have to keep my inner pack rat in check...and I'm not that great at saving)
But I'm time greedy.

It's never enough time, the time spent with you just laughing and hanging out.
It's never enough time to sit on the sofa and veg, pull the covers up under my chin and whisper 'just 5 more minutes'.
It's never enough time to talk about the stupid things, the funny things, the serious things, the scary things.
Good-bye comes to soon for me and I feel dejected and disappointed. As if any fun that was had, anything at all that was accomplished was worth nothing. Simply by virtue that the time had ended.

I feel like an introverted extrovert these days. I, at the same time, am refreshed by time spent with friends and family and utterly exhausted by it.
I long for companionship but after a few minutes I find myself wanting to just be alone again.

Because entering into any situation I know it's going to end.
I fear it will end badly and like a baby I fear when you are out of my sight you are gone for good.
I worry that transitions and life changes mean the end and that we'll never see each other again, or that you'll be relieved to be free of me.
So I hold on tight.
I obsessively think and wonder about the next time we'll see each other, the next time we'll talk, the next time we can do something silly and mundane.

But then I remind myself to relax, and I begin to count the number of times I mention hanging out, I begin to make mental notes of the times I've made the plans and I've made the call and feel I'm pushing myself on you.
So I ration my excitement.
I ration my affection fearing I'm coming on to strong.
I pretend things don't bother me for fear you'll be annoyed with my silly little girl hurt and stop calling back.

Then I broke.
I snapped and shattered and now I can't seem to muster up the energy to reach out anymore.
I don't know what to say.
I know you have noticed. I know you have.
But I sit in stony silence with everyone now. Holding my heart just so, thinking if I just don't make a sound then it will be ok. It might not heal but at least it won't get worse.

What brilliant lies we are told.
What masterful ways we are told that cutting ourselves off from all those that are wanting only to love us in whatever broken way they can will keep us whole.
What a sneaky thief to steal the hope from our hearts, whispering in the night. Pointing out the signs you were to busy greedily collecting time to notice.

The phone call that took a few days longer to return.
The life challenge they didn't think to share with you (Don't you notice how you are left out so much?)
The birthday call that never came.
The shortened visit because other people, other things, were more important than you.

Time passes. Words stop up in your throat and then what is there to say anymore really?
What can help?

What a conniving little devil that slithers around. Whispering how right your little nagging suspicions always were.
They never really loved you, you were only entertaining for awhile.

I never meant to be the one to let you down
If anything, I thought I saw myself going first
I didn't know how to stick around
How to see anybody but me be getting hurt

- Sara Bareilles