The problem with gossip (in general and specifically for me) is when I don't get the whole story I fill in the gaps.
So I hear a little bit here and a little bit there and my mind just comes up with the most plausible (read: most dramatic and soul crushing) solution.
The other problem is that I hear this information and then I begin to second guess the things that I know about people already. I don't trust my instincts and intuition about people and I begin to worry that they are really more deceptive and untrustworthy then they really are.
Because when in doubt I assume I will be betrayed, abandoned and ridiculed. It's my default assumption about people I'm in relationship with.
I hate that default assumption.
I put up boundaries, I stop engaging and I try to skip along my merry little way. But in the back of my head is still the tickle of wonder.
Will I be abandoned?
Will I be left behind?
Will I be made fun of, hated, distrusted, not included?
I assume that other people are right. When there is a dissonance between my thoughts or opinions on something my default mode is to assume the other person (people) are right. I begin to think that maybe I didn't really know _____ after all. Maybe I got it wrong.
But it is statistically impossible for me to always be wrong. Plus, sometimes I'm accidentally right.
I still don't trust who other people show me they are. Years can pass and they can be nothing but kind, generous and loving. Yet I'm always waiting, just holding my breath for the moment they yank the rug out from under me and say, "Just kidding! I never really loved you at all."
I know on one hand that it's not them. That it's not even really me. I understand that it's the baggage of a wound I can't seem to figure out how to stop picking at and let heal.
But that's the problem with gossip isn't it. It just festers and grows and takes on a life of its own until eventually you can't control the outcome anymore.