I don't like tension.
I don't like it between other people. I'm the one trying to help them work it out even when I'm not supposed to be involved. I don't like tension between myself and others, I want to address it, get it all aired out and resolved. Then I want to forget that it ever happened.
I especially don't like tension when I feel it in myself and even more so when I can't explain why it's there.

I've been trying to work through some of this tension that I've been feeling as a single girl in a married world and it's just overwhelming. I'm trying to make sure that I'm not stridently single because I'm hiding or if it's because that's what God wants for me, at least right now.
Add to all this the marriage series at my church and a few specific conversations about my relationship status and I'm feeling the tension. I don't like it.

I know that a lot of the pressure I feel is pressure I put on myself. Pressure to seem sane, normal, included, not affected. I spend a lot of energy trying to appear unaffected by this tension, when in reality I'm very affected. This is probably no surprise to those of you I talk to on a regular basis since I drop this topic into random conversations and end up trailing off in voice and person before finishing a thought.
All I know is on one hand I know that it is fine to be intentionally single, non-married, non-dating, that I'm happy with it and can't imagine my life any other way for now. But on the other hand I've been feeling really damaged about it. I've been feeling as if there is something wrong with me that I don't even want it.
I'm afraid to talk about it, afraid that people will assume it's a case of the lady doth protest to much.
So if I act all twitchy and awkward about it, that's why. That...or the killers.


Courtney said...

I feel that tension in reverse. I live in a city (and attend a church) which overwhelmingly single -- as in, to the point that I've had people be shocked that I got married. ("WHY?!") It is ineffably lonely, despite the marvelous and dear people that are in my life.

I wonder if the tension never goes away. Perhaps we are simply meant to live in the suspended place, trusting that it is God holding us in between (regardless of others' stupid input).

ellenjane said...

Yeah I think that the road goes both ways Courtney.
The thing is as a singleton I love my married friends. I love cheering them on and loving their families (and giving their kids back when they get cranky). But sometimes I feel the view coming the other way (to me from marrieds) is one of pity and sadness.
I don't live in a single city (but I do love me some Portland...:sigh:)