Remember

"Please remember me..."
It had nothing to do with anything serious. She was just asking me to remember her on an order, something that needed accomplished.
But my heart twinged. Because I remembered.

I remembered all the times I have walked away from friends new and old and thought to myself "Please remember me..."
Hoping beyond any hope I actually believed in that I could be counted worthy of their memories.
Whether I was walking away for a moment or what would turn out to be the rest of our lives I always wondered if they would remember me.
I remember hanging up the phone the other night, wondering if I could put a stop to it. This remembering that holds me hostage. If I can choose the memories that I want and stop the unbidden and unwelcome memories that surge through my head when time is short and I am tired and stressed out.

Because I don't want to remember the words thrown out of brokenness and pain, I don't want to remember the scary books and movies that have backed me into my far to scared for my own good corner. I don't want to remember the disdain I heard from you or the apathy that enveloped me instead of your arms. I don't want to remember the things I shouldn't look at and people I shouldn't have gone with because I can feel the prick of that wound as sharply as if I was just stabbed afresh.

Still I wonder. I wonder how much I should remember and how much I should put out of my mind. I wonder if by not remembering I'm dooming myself to repeat the sins of my past. If by not remembering I'm running the risk of falling back into the arms of apathy.
Back and forth, forth and back. I wonder if I should remember, and I wonder if you will remember.