I’ve spent my whole life apologizing for being me.
Those who know me well, know I say “I’m sorry” a lot. A lot. A few people have repeatedly told me to “stop apologizing!” But I can’t seem to.
I’m quick to apologize for things I’ve done wrong, but I’m also quick to take on myself what isn’t mine to own. I am a peacemaker; I can’t stand lack of resolution. So I am almost-always the first to apologize, even when I’m not the one who did wrong.
But more than that—beyond apologizing for what I’ve done, or even for what I’ve not done—I live with a demeanor of apology simply for being me.
I can remember feeling that way as far back as second or third grade. I did well in school, and we all know being the smart kid is never “cool”. So I learned early on to hide my grades from my classmates. Even as an elementary school student, I was apologetic of being myself when “myself” wasn’t socially acceptable.
And it’s bled over into every area of my life as an adult. I apologize for my quietness, for my desire for intimacy, for my personality. I apologize for my opinions and for my lack of opinions. I apologize for who I’m friends with; I apologize for who I’m not friends with. I apologize for my weaknesses and my strengths. I apologize for being… For just… being.
So I’m trying to stop. I’m trying to be okay with being myself and am trying to ease up on the unnecessary “I’m sorry”s. I want to apologize only for those things I actually need to own. I shouldn’t apologize for what’s not mine. Easier said than done.
They say step one is admitting your issue, and that admittance is half the battle. So…
Here’s to progress?!
I'm pretty sure Alece is my new favorite blogger. I love her openness and her depth, her silliness and her introspection. Here's another way she put it so much more eloquently than I have: