10.31.2009

Climbing Aimlessly Over These Hills

I kept hearing this song on the radio lately. But I hardly listen to Christian radio so I can't have heard it much. The lyric, "Whatever you're doing inside of me it feels like chaos" has been looping around and around in my head.
Because it does.
I've been chatting with God over the last several years about change. Change who I am, how I feel about myself, my physical appearance (as in getting healthy), how I treat others. I've begged him for passion and motivation to do something worthwhile, anything at all that isn't focused on my own comfort. He's patiently pointed out a few areas in my heart that needed swept out, cleaned out and purged. He's gently knit back together the shards of my heart I used as weapons against others. He's waited patiently through my tantrums and deafening silences and curled his arms around my stubborn turned from Him back.

It's all been very exhausting.
Now, now he's seemingly trying to show me that the healing is done enough for me to move. Take action. To let my direction determine my destination (Directionationism) and it feels like chaos. It feels paralyzing. It feels overwhelming to dream big and seemingly impossible dreams that to others might not be that big of a deal. But they are to me.
I've cleaned this old house. I've purged, cried, screamed, whispered and whimpered it all out. Now is the time to move instead of climbing aimlessly over these hills.
But I still feel so paralyzed and overwhelmed. I still am finding the habits of living based on lies so deeply ingrained and scarred on my heart hard to overcome.
So I shut down and shut up and try to not address it directly.
But if there is one thing I've learned about God, it's that he doesn't go quietly into the night. He's poking and prodding me to keep it moving.
When in doubt, when scared I try to stay very very still as if I can somehow disappear into the stillness. But God keeps stirring it up, my heart.

Some days I just don't know what to do with that. I don't know what next step to take. Some days I do, and I'm just so scared to take them.
A lot of days lately, I've just been sitting with it. Holding it in my heart and letting myself hope for something larger than this life. Something Heavenly.

Posts that may only slightly be related:
Some Days
Kind of Girl
Shut Up Just Sit Right Back

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Sanctus Real Whatever You're Doing(Something Heavenly)

1 comment:

Pete said...

I said it all in my last comment, so I'll just do this per your request.


:wave:

Hi!