I have such difficulty discussing what it is that I need from people. Support, words of encouragement, anything.
I hope and hope that they'll guess, that they'll just know; which rarely ever happens.
When I accidentally bump into getting my hopes and desires met I rejoice because they have gotten it right. But then we slip back into the mundane daily ins and outs of relationships.

It's not their fault. It's mine.
I'm a proud person that almost demands perfection from myself. Perfection that isn't attainable, perfection that I know isn't even true. My natural position is oh it's ok it's alright. Even when I know it's not true. Even when it's the last thing I expect from other people.

I've been feeling God moving on that. His hand heavy on my heart to address not only that but other specific things. It's so scary.
In a brazen moment of bravery I asked someone to pray with me (over several weeks time) that God not lift his hand. That he keep on me and at me because my natural evasive response was to oh it's alright it away. It has been a heavy few weeks for me filled with more tears than I knew I had left, and I'm sure it's not even close to being over.

I had a conversation last night that I did not want to have. I didn't want to tell this person about my worries and concerns. I felt silly for not being this put together girl. But I did it; and it was fine. Just like I knew it would be.
I'm still praying that God doesn't lift his hand. I would love it if you would pray for that too.
In the mean time, my margin in life is going to drop significantly. I don't know what that's going to look like but I ask for your patience.
God is calling me to something and I'm terrified to move and I'm terrified to not move. All I know is I have to move over this wall of perfectionism and hiding that I've built my life behind.
I hear the other side is worth it.


Pete said...

I don't really know what you're moving towards, but it sounds exciting!! I'll hope, pray, send you words of encouragement, whatever you need to help you through this time!

James said...

Beth I encourage you to ask for prayer and help more. Just last week, a friend called up as we were preparing dinner. She is over 40, having a hard time with the fact that she is still single, and told us on the phone that she is having a hard week and basically invited herself to come spend the evening with us.
She didn't talk with us about what was troubling her. We'd have listened if she wanted to. But she just ate with us, played Wii with the kids, and went home when we started putting them to bed. I got the impression that she benefitted greatly by coming over.

I wonder how many people would be better off if they weren't hesitant to tell people their needs, their hurts, etc. I applaud those who do.

ellenjane said...

Thanks guys. James, I'm pretty sure at some point I've even said those exact same things to other people. It seems that my block comes from it being me that needs the support and encouragement. Like it's ok for others but that somehow I don't get to need that.

It's one of the many things God's pulling out and making me deal with lately.