I have such difficulty discussing what it is that I need from people. Support, words of encouragement, anything.
I hope and hope that they'll guess, that they'll just know; which rarely ever happens.
When I accidentally bump into getting my hopes and desires met I rejoice because they have gotten it right. But then we slip back into the mundane daily ins and outs of relationships.
It's not their fault. It's mine.
I'm a proud person that almost demands perfection from myself. Perfection that isn't attainable, perfection that I know isn't even true. My natural position is oh it's ok it's alright. Even when I know it's not true. Even when it's the last thing I expect from other people.
I've been feeling God moving on that. His hand heavy on my heart to address not only that but other specific things. It's so scary.
In a brazen moment of bravery I asked someone to pray with me (over several weeks time) that God not lift his hand. That he keep on me and at me because my natural evasive response was to oh it's alright it away. It has been a heavy few weeks for me filled with more tears than I knew I had left, and I'm sure it's not even close to being over.
I had a conversation last night that I did not want to have. I didn't want to tell this person about my worries and concerns. I felt silly for not being this put together girl. But I did it; and it was fine. Just like I knew it would be.
I'm still praying that God doesn't lift his hand. I would love it if you would pray for that too.
In the mean time, my margin in life is going to drop significantly. I don't know what that's going to look like but I ask for your patience.
God is calling me to something and I'm terrified to move and I'm terrified to not move. All I know is I have to move over this wall of perfectionism and hiding that I've built my life behind.
I hear the other side is worth it.