Is it Alright? 12/28/06

Is it alright that I don't smile all the time? Is it alright that sometimes I don't feel like talking or being around people? Is it alright that sometimes I have no idea what it is that I want...so is it alright if during those times I don't know what to tell you?
Is it alright that most of the time recently the person I feel the closest to is the person that is farthest away from me? Is it alright if I tell her to shup ut now?
Is it alright that sometimes I wonder what would have happened if you had lived, if we had never met, if I had never told you that, if I never moved, if you had, if he never lied, hid the money, taught her his deceptions? Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to grow up to be like her. Is it alright that I would rather not grow up if that is going to be the case? Is it alright that you are still one of the only people that I'm comfortable talking openly about it with?
Is it alright that I only want you to be happy? That all I really want is for you to be so loved that you forget what being hurt feels like. Is it alright that when I hold your babies I could almost cry over how much I love them?
Is it alright that I have a staring problem? Is it alright that sometimes when I stare at people I feel like I have to memorize them so that when they leave me I can remember them? Is it alright that I am held together by thinly veiled desperation sometimes?
Would it be ok with you if I sometimes disappear off the face of the earth? Is it alright that when I do, and you call wondering if I'm still alive, that I feel more alive then before?
Is it alright that loving all of you this much terrifies me beyond reason? Is it alright that I don't apologize for pushing you away so hard and fast? Because I don't know how to be this close to people without fleeing as if from a crime.
Is it alright that I will probably never wear a pair of bottoms that are under size 10? Do you think that people could still think I was beautiful? Could you? Who are you by the way? Is it alright that even though I'm content on my own I still wonder when you will show up and sweep me off my feet? Is it alright that I just got a little nauseous thinking about it?
Is it alright that I love God? Would it kill some of you to just realize this isn't a phase? Is it alright that I can't explain to you why I know God is real? Is it alright that I have no scientific method to explain the way my heart skips a beat just thinking about how majestic and amazing God is, and how floored I am that he loves me even 1/1000 of the amount that he does?
Is is alright that my house is a mess? Do you think you could love me anyway? Is it alright that I never make my bed? (unless I have company and even then I usually just close my bedroom door)
Is it alright that I stop asking for all of this permission from all of you that really just want me to be me? Is it alright that I'm convinced that if I were really just me that you would all run screaming like a banshee?
Is it alright that the you(s) in here are all mixed together and jumbled up? Is it alright that this is addressed to more of you then you all think?

Is any of this alright? I've got no excuses, how am I supposed to hold it?

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