Specifically books geared towards women
I worked at the bookstore today and was putting away some books in the Woman's Interest section. Being a woman, I was a little interested. So as I'm stocking I'm perusing the covers and see one that talks about women reclaiming their femininity. My interest is piqued even further...while I'm not the most feminine person I also am noticing my own rough edges and trying to figure out what should stay and what is hindering my relationships with other people. I open the book, I flip through, and I notice...that all of the stories are about married women, or women that are engaged, or women that are trying to "land a Godly man". I put the book down and pick up another book, and it's the same story. When there is the occasional mention of the dreaded single woman, it's mostly about her struggles to remain pure...of body only, while waiting for a husband to knock boots with. Again, these are valid and interesting things...to women that fall into those categories, but I don't.
And it's apparently all about me...but if I'm buying the book for me, shouldn't it be for me? (I have a headache after that sentence) But I digress...
I finish putting my stack of books away, and think that maybe I should go to the single section, because maybe the women's interest section is only for married (or about to be, or want to be) married women. Although this fact confuses me, as I'm a women, and I am none of those things.
I make the dreaded walk over to the single section, which is the shelf of humiliation in most Christian stores that I've been/worked in. It's humiliating because there are 1 of 2 types of books that you will find there:
1) Purity books- these can indicate that you have a booty problem and need to get back on the straight and narrow. It also contains purity books about reclaiming your purity after you've slipped and fallen into a sexual relationship. This means, that you are not a super duper everything is ok holy Christian. I've read a lot of these books, because I am not a super duper everything is ok holy Christian and boys are pretty. While there are paragraphs here and there that are helpful and pertinent, I find that most of the books contain the reassurance that you're "saving yourself" for your future husband/wife. What if I don't want one? Then what?
2) How to find a Godly partner books- these indicate that the allure of your looks and personality are not enough for someone else that loves Jesus to want you. Which ok, super duper everything is ok Christians shouldn't be hung up on looks...they should love what's on the inside...so these books are about helping to clean up your damaged insides and I find often about playing games to lure a godly man into your snares. Uck.
But I digress again...I can't type as fast as I'm thinking...I hate that.
So I wander over to the singles section. I find the two types of books that I was expecting. I'm out of place again.
Now, keep in mind that I didn't even really WANT a book for women to buy. But with the post of yesterday (or a few days ago...) I was in the married/single mindset and curious.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about marriage and being single. Paul for your information was unmarried. You should read the whole chapter here, because it's very good. But in verses 6-9 it says:
And it's apparently all about me...but if I'm buying the book for me, shouldn't it be for me? (I have a headache after that sentence) But I digress...
I finish putting my stack of books away, and think that maybe I should go to the single section, because maybe the women's interest section is only for married (or about to be, or want to be) married women. Although this fact confuses me, as I'm a women, and I am none of those things.
I make the dreaded walk over to the single section, which is the shelf of humiliation in most Christian stores that I've been/worked in. It's humiliating because there are 1 of 2 types of books that you will find there:
1) Purity books- these can indicate that you have a booty problem and need to get back on the straight and narrow. It also contains purity books about reclaiming your purity after you've slipped and fallen into a sexual relationship. This means, that you are not a super duper everything is ok holy Christian. I've read a lot of these books, because I am not a super duper everything is ok holy Christian and boys are pretty. While there are paragraphs here and there that are helpful and pertinent, I find that most of the books contain the reassurance that you're "saving yourself" for your future husband/wife. What if I don't want one? Then what?
2) How to find a Godly partner books- these indicate that the allure of your looks and personality are not enough for someone else that loves Jesus to want you. Which ok, super duper everything is ok Christians shouldn't be hung up on looks...they should love what's on the inside...so these books are about helping to clean up your damaged insides and I find often about playing games to lure a godly man into your snares. Uck.
But I digress again...I can't type as fast as I'm thinking...I hate that.
So I wander over to the singles section. I find the two types of books that I was expecting. I'm out of place again.
Now, keep in mind that I didn't even really WANT a book for women to buy. But with the post of yesterday (or a few days ago...) I was in the married/single mindset and curious.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about marriage and being single. Paul for your information was unmarried. You should read the whole chapter here, because it's very good. But in verses 6-9 it says:
Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Should that only be applicable to men? Because I sure as heck get a lot from it, and I'm "just" a woman. I get that it's the message of society and a well oiled publishing machine. I get that they publish what will sell the most. I do get that. I just find it disheartening.
Do I think I'm called to be single? I don't know
Do I think I'll ever get married? I don't know
But I just am so weary of the messages that are being sent to women, specifically single women about the necessity of being married.
On a (probably large) side note let me also say this;
When I am single, not dating, not "involved" I find myself less distracted and so much more focused on God. I make time for Him, I spend more time with Him and I hear Him so much more clearly then when I'm "interested" in a boy. The most ironic thing about that revelation, is that it took said boy (one that doesn't classify himself as even remotely a believer) to point that out to me. He called out in me the abyss I was choosing to place between God and I because of my choices. He located and pointed out the true desire of my heart to be free from that type of relationship, and he ended it. Not me, not this super duper everything is ok holy Christian. This boy did. This non-believing boy.
I hope that you are hearing my heart on this. I'm not condemning the married or engaged. I'm not trying to comment on those that are dating and sleeping together/living together. All I know is this: when I date a boy (as in have a relationship with him that is not an obviously platonic relationship) I struggle to find ways to express and receive affection that isn't sexual (I'm sorry Sharen, I probably should have told you to stop reading). I tried. I failed. For a very long time.
I don't know what the answer is to that. That one point (and it's a doozy) is the only reason that I hold back from thinking I'm called to be single permanently. That's it. At this point, I can't imagine getting into a relationship with a man except for that one reason, and that is a terrible reason.
I cannot unsee the things that I've seen, I can't undo what I've done. I can't unthink the thoughts that come uninvited into my head. But God is churning in my heart, and he is holding my hand and pointing out things to do to help lessen the devastation it has wrecked on my heart.
So where does that leave me? Somewhere between women's interest and Single I suppose.
Do I think I'm called to be single? I don't know
Do I think I'll ever get married? I don't know
But I just am so weary of the messages that are being sent to women, specifically single women about the necessity of being married.
On a (probably large) side note let me also say this;
When I am single, not dating, not "involved" I find myself less distracted and so much more focused on God. I make time for Him, I spend more time with Him and I hear Him so much more clearly then when I'm "interested" in a boy. The most ironic thing about that revelation, is that it took said boy (one that doesn't classify himself as even remotely a believer) to point that out to me. He called out in me the abyss I was choosing to place between God and I because of my choices. He located and pointed out the true desire of my heart to be free from that type of relationship, and he ended it. Not me, not this super duper everything is ok holy Christian. This boy did. This non-believing boy.
I hope that you are hearing my heart on this. I'm not condemning the married or engaged. I'm not trying to comment on those that are dating and sleeping together/living together. All I know is this: when I date a boy (as in have a relationship with him that is not an obviously platonic relationship) I struggle to find ways to express and receive affection that isn't sexual (I'm sorry Sharen, I probably should have told you to stop reading). I tried. I failed. For a very long time.
I don't know what the answer is to that. That one point (and it's a doozy) is the only reason that I hold back from thinking I'm called to be single permanently. That's it. At this point, I can't imagine getting into a relationship with a man except for that one reason, and that is a terrible reason.
I cannot unsee the things that I've seen, I can't undo what I've done. I can't unthink the thoughts that come uninvited into my head. But God is churning in my heart, and he is holding my hand and pointing out things to do to help lessen the devastation it has wrecked on my heart.
So where does that leave me? Somewhere between women's interest and Single I suppose.
1 comment:
Sweetie, the rest of us have known you're in your own category for a long time.
And that's not a negative thing.
I'm sure being in your own category is hard, as you have (rather eloquently) pointed out in this post. Where are the self-help sections for everyone who doesn't fall into the mainstream categories? Well, you could write one, I suppose... I think you already kind of are, but I'm not gonna chase that rabbit.
I think the closer you (and I, and everyone) get to God, the more you realize the answer. It's different for all of us, even though some aspects may seem the same.
I'm hesitant to share this with you, because it screwed me up for a while, and still blows my mind at times... so I hope it doesn't hinder you:
When I was in my (then) pastor's office having a sort of "counseling" session, I mentioned that I always wondered if I was called to be single, and referenced Paul and the verses you mentioned.
I thought that maybe being gay was my own "thorn in the side" and had always secretly believed it was possible Paul was gay too. He mentioned this affliction of a thorn in his side, he spent years in the camp of the Pharisees and Saducees, and made several cases against homosexuality in his letters. Very typical homophobic because they are gay themselves behavior.
So, I had always wondered if God had intended I live a chaste life.
While I didn't cite specifics or even come close to coming out to this pastor, I wanted more information.
Know what he told me?
"You would KNOW if you were called."
I have always, always hated that answer. I probably always will.
But this isn't about me...
At any rate, he then went on to "enlighten" me some more. Turns out, according to his studies, there is historical evidence that sometime later in Paul's life, he did marry.
What?!
I couldn't believe he would drop that kind of a bomb on someone with so many questions and doubts already.
What I have taken from that after chewing on it for these years since is this:
If, indeed, Paul did marry later in life, that doesn't mean he wasn't called to be chaste up until that point. God may have intended him to remain single to do his work, which he did. At some point, when Paul fulfilled all that God had intended him to, while focused solely on Him, the rest of his mission did not require the same type and/or degree of focus.
Or, and this is probably even less helpful, but it is also possible that Paul gave in after years of yearning.
We won't know till we can ask him personally, I'm sure.
What's important, I think, is that you remember that even if you are called to a single life, you have experienced "the flesh" in your past. Maybe it would be easier if you didn't know what it was like, and wouldn't yearn for the human intimacy you've experienced in the past. But, alas, you're human.
I would venture to guess giving up sex and sexual intimacy is just as difficult as giving up anything else "worldly" when you feel God calling you away from those things.
Just remember if you should "slip" in the future that you can still be forgiven. God's awesome like that.
I just watch my train of thought pull out of the station...
This is already long enough, so maybe I should just let the train keep going?
I hope at least part of that made sense.
Crap. Just remembered I still have an email that needs a response. You'll be getting another rant later, lol....
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