Who do I blame for my choices? Who, other then myself, do I declare as the motivator of my actions?
Is that accurate anymore? Am I allowing circumstances (that I wasn't able to control at the time) that are long past continue to guide my thoughts and actions today? If so, why?
Why do I continue to embrace descriptors of me that I know, that I know are false?
I made some comment, in an off the cuff self-deprecating way, describing how I more often then not see myself (it may have involved the words dumb, freak, and or socially retarded). Before I could even move on, someone said, "But you know, that's not true right?" I giggled and tried to continue speaking. She repeated, "No, wait. You know it's not true right?"
Some days I do. Other days, I still buy into the lie, into the fallacy of the identity I was assigned for so long by a handful of people.
These people, they had an authority over me. They had power, and they abused it. But I snapped out of my fearful hypnotism years ago. Yet, I still make choices, and view myself through the lens of the lies they spoke into my heart.
I still blame them.
While I cannot control what they did. I can't change the devastation the exacted upon my heart.
But I'm realizing more and more that it is my choice to continue to blame them, to hold them responsible for decisions I choose and have chosen years after their influence has left the immediacy of my life.
Who do you blame? Who do you need to let off the hook, to make room for your own personal responsibility?
2 comments:
I don't need to let anyone off the hook. Everyone else is responsible for my flaws and failures, and I'll see to it that they're held accountable.
Sorry, selfish moment.
I had a not-so-great relationship with dad, and when some of that comes into my memory prompted by me or just randomly, I have to remind myself that I forgave him a long time ago.
That doesn't change the fact that I picked up some less-than-desirable personality traits because of him and that relationship. But blaming him would only serve to hurt us both, and doesn't get me any closer to fixing the problem. He's the one who taught me how, but ultimately, I'm the one who actually follows through with the actions and attitudes.
*sigh*
You should post about rainbows and puppies next. Seeing all my ugly stuff is exhausting!
I think that so often forgiveness is defined as a one time thing, as a solid and unchanging action. But I have been thinking more often then not that forgiveness often needs to happen again and again. I have to make a conscious choice every day to forgive the three. I have to forgive them everyday and remind myself that the grace that saved me is big enough for them too.
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