Questions and Thoughts on 75

Do you think a semi trailer could be so dirty that when someone spray painted something on it, and then it was washed, that the spray paint washes off because the truck was so dirty the paint never got the chance to stick to the side of the truck?

These are the things I contemplate when I drive on 75 by myself. I listened to a 4 sermon series by Rick McKinely who is the lead pastor at Imago Dei in Portland.
The sermon series was titled Inside Out. He talked about worship and letting God transform lives from the inside out. Such a great series, he talked at one point about missional work and worship and their correlation with each other. He said that worship was the beginning and the end of missional work. Without worshipping God missional work is just good works, there's not that integral sharing of Christ with people. It is the launch pad for it, and when you cease to worship God because you are caught up in busy busy busy then missional work ceases to be about anything other then good works and trying to save people through your own will.

I went on about a 45 minute tangent to Nicole tonight while I was trying to get from Norwood to Fairfield to pick up my dress from Sharen's and head north (stupid traffic). I summed up what was happening in my head this week and the total wasn't good.

1) Even thought I know that the amount of money in my bank account, the size of my home, car, family (kids, husband) and investment accounts isn't the sum total of me I also have felt like I was drowning in that feeling this week. It's getting to the point where I might have to decide to just not buy a house and move into another apartment. My mortgage can not be more then 50% of my monthly income, it just can't. If my worth lies in my finances I'm worth approximately $32.15.

2) It would be easier to buy a home if I had a partner. I would have another income and that would help me make the monthly house payment. But alas I am single. Single and uninterested really in changing that status. Childless and uninterested in changing that status. Sometimes the path to righteousness seems to lead through the land of procreation and partnership in a romantic relationship, and that is not a path I am currently on or pursuing. If my worth lies in love, marriage and kids, then I am worth $0

3) If I had a college degree, then maybe I could make a little more an hour, or even be a *gasp* salaried employee somewhere. But I don't. I'm one class away from an associates degree and I can't decide how to move forward with a degree after that. I know what I want to do, but I'm more scared of failing at that then I am sure I want to do it. So I have all of these college credits and nothing to show for it. If my worth lies in a piece of paper and mountain of debt that says I'm smart enough to make $5 more dollars an hour then I am worth -$11,835 (the amount of my still being paid off student loans)

4) If I was thinner I would have more energy, I would be more attractive to possible future husbands, I wouldn't have spent so much money of terrible food to sooth my aching heart and therefore would have thousands of dollars to put towards buying a house thus reducing my payments each month. If I was thinner I would be less socially awkward and more outgoing (or at least feel less of an inclination towards retching when I step outside my comfort zone and behave as if I'm outgoing). If my worth was in my weight, I would be worth....well, let's not go there I'm feeling rather rotund today...

So added up, I'm worth not a lot if anything at all.
It's been one of those days, and a little bit one of those weeks.
But like I said to Ryan today, it's not exactly like I've been relaxing in my comfort zone lately, so why start now.

I'm so thankful tonight for the reminder that my worth doesn't come from the heights of my credit score, the depth of the love of a man that is/could be my husband, because of children I may or may not raise one day, my worth isn't found in my weight or my education. My worth is found at the foot of the cross worshipping the God that saved me.