Yes, I'm busy, yes I'm tired, but honestly I am complaining a lot about it.
Why?
Is it because that I want to serve people, but I want them to know and acknowledge that I'm serving them? Then what's the point if it's not that?
I feel a little self-centered.
I feel a little selfish and all wrapped up in the flurry of my life.
Now before Pete starts a comment, email, and im flurry about how I'm not selfish let me say, that I just am.
We all are.
We're selfish with our time, with our love, with our information, with out hearts, with our money.
We're selfish.
This isn't always bad, but it's not always good.
I'm selfish with my thoughts. I'm lazy.
I long to pull away more, for intentional meditation and prayer time, reading the bible time. But not in deeds. In deeds I flit about from task to task losing that fire, that desire. I find myself so frightened of spiritual atrophy. Not because of people that force me to do do do (heh do do), not because of commitments I make without thinking. I'm afraid that my inherent laziness, my desire to literally do nothing, ever, will slowly pick away at the desire to seek these things.
I'm not selfish because I don't focus enough on people, on serving, on friends or family. I'm selfish because I withhold myself, my time, my prayers, thoughts and words from God.
Romans 7:21-25
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!
2 comments:
you know, it's funny as I was floating in the pond tonight at 1:30am, I was thinking this exact blog. Not worded quite the same, but I was thinking about how selfish I can be at times.
You were just able to put to words the thoughts that have been running in my mind lately.
I find myself with holding parts of me from God, I know he can see it all, but I'm still holding back. Afraid of what will happen, and kind of afraid of what I will find.
and one more thing:
you said do do. *giggle*
I didn't hear a whisper of a complain today at all.
not a single one.
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