I have such difficulty finding the line. You know the one...the one between letting something slide gracefully because you love someone and kicking their ass for being an insensitive jackass that insults you and dismisses your work and life as inconsequential because it isn't like theirs.
Ok, so maybe you don't know exactly what I'm talking about.
Yesterday was just a day, a ho hum doing some work and moving through life day. I left work and went to bible study, which was a.mazing. We're in a "learning to read the bible" study but there were only 4 of us there last night so the conversation meandered throughout the night. We ended up staying almost an hour past ending time just talking. I shared somethings that I'm pretty sensitive about last night and was sure that I would be met by criticism and condemnation. But I wasn't. Rebecca looked me directly in the eye and for several minutes spoke clearly and firmly directly to my heart. It was so nourishing and healing, especially after a year of feeling so raw and exposed. She told me who I was to her, to people at church, and to God himself. She told me that if anyone tried to tell me otherwise they were lying and I was not to listen to them for a minute because that is not of God.
Whoa.
As many of you may have picked up on I can vacillate between a truly loathing view of myself and at best an indifferent one. For so long it never occurred to me that people may be wrong when they looked me up and down and summarized that I was stupid and worthless (often verbally in those very words). A few months ago I blogged about if it was even true. That was a lot about if what I thought people thought were true, but what if the reality, what they actually think of me is wrong? What then?
I practically floated out of there, reveling in the kindness that was shown to me and the words that were spoken to the depth of me. I get in my car, I open my phone to turn the volume up and I have several missed calls and a text. All from the same person. I hurriedly call the person back (we'll call them Q) because I'm convinced that something is terribly wrong.
Q answers, and nothing is wrong. Q has been drinking, again.
I love Q. I have fun with Q. But Q has gone through some stuff lately, and Q drinks just a squide more then is maybe ok.
So Q and I chat and discuss when we're going to get together again. A topic comes up that I cannot discuss here, but a topic comes up and I prattle on thinking all is well and fine. Then the shoe drops.
"You're so stupid, why are you such a dumb ass?!"
I say excuse me?
"You're just so stupid and ate up, obsessed with this. Why are you so stupid? Maybe you should just plant your lips directly on *insert persons name here*'s ass"
I say, excuse me again, all the while I feel the blood draining from my toes and my heart starting to break a little...because my instinct tells me Q is correct.
Q goes on to tell me that I'm a sucker, a stupid dumb ass sucker for believing something about this thing we're discussing and how could I be such a stupid dumb ass sucker. I ask Q, "Why do I want to hang out with you again?"
Q replies, "I'm sorry, I'm being a jackass". I said, "I know, I was waiting for it to pass"
We then finalized plans to hang out and I hung up.
Pretty shitty huh? I was on Jesus cloud 9 as I walked out of bible study. Just thinking about how much God loved me...ME. I was replaying the things that Rebecca had said over and over again, hoping that I could memorize what she said before I was shit on by someone again.
That lasted about 5 minutes.
So Q was drunk. Q may or may not remember what Q said. This isn't the first time that Q has said these types of things, but this is the first time Q has come out so blatantly and said them so directly.
I have to say that I'm hurt, that it hurts my feelings to have someone say those things drunk or otherwise.
Tony used to call me drunk and say hurtful things, but never like this. It took me months to say anything to him...but he didn't call every week drunk like that either.
Where's that pesky line? How do I address it? How do I say that it's not ok for you to talk to me that way, and what if Q says Q doesn't remember saying it...thus successfully invalidating any point I have to make?
I know the answers I suppose. But I just hate cutting people off, or telling them if they talk to me that way I can't/won't talk to them...and I'm unsure that's truly the answer.
It makes me very sad that I even have to wonder these things....
5 comments:
I want a name and address.
I'll take care of this in the old school way.
:)
You are too good of a person to hear those things regardless of the condition of the person. If someone actually says these things they just don't know you.
I've had to end several friendships over things said to me while they were intoxicated, to me if those thoughts are in their head at all means they really don't know me at all, and I hate to waste time trying to convince them otherwise.
That line is for you too, how you handle the situation, you can take that opportunity to get more of their thoughts out of them to find out how they really feel, or tell them to call you back when they're sober so you can tell them how you really feel about the things they said.
missing you. :)
I've got an idea, how about the next time Pete comes down, we take this person shopping, have them go into the dressing room, steal their clothes and then have them come out in their skivies. Then they can feel vulnerable, and exposed. It's not a fun place to be in there, and there is no reason that because they are miserable regardless of the situation, they need to attack anyone. You have to stop talking to this person, at least for a while. They are at the bottom, and the only way they can survive there is having someone else there too. You've crawled, sprinted & jumped out of the bottom as fast as humanly possible. No need to be drug back, even with resistance it's easy to slip down that path.
I'm seriously gonna kick this persons ass! I mean it. You are the most super fabulous uber wonderful fantastic person ever.
I'm at a loss for words.
Just kidding!
I think you should definitely address this with Q. Don't worry about bringing it up the wrong way or crossing a line. The line has been crossed and not by you.
I think you should point out the line, make Q look how far he/she jumped over it.
You can then give Q two choices: Allow him/her to apologize and walk back to the "safe side" of the line, or drag them by the short hairs to the other side, plant his/her feet on the ground there, turn around and walk away.
Regardless of how you say it, you have every right to make it crystal clear to this person that their behavior will no longer be tolerated.
I agree with your sis on this one. Just because they're low right now doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be dragged down there with them. Even to help them.
If you were at the edge of a cliff, and Q was hanging on the edge about to fall off, would you reach down to pull them up to where you are, or climb down and put yourself in danger as well just to push them back up to where you were?
Okay... I'm babbling...
oh yeah.. i forgot
I'm also very proud of you for creating hyperlinks now!!!
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