My sister called me this morning to tell me that a teen that just graduated high school in Clyde (my hometown) committed suicide this weekend. He was the best friend of a boy we used to babysit, and Tommy was in the house when he killed himself (not in the room, in the house). My dad is still close to Tommy's dad (we were neighbors on CR 175) and my mom and dad probably headed over there to be with the family today.
So much sadness. So much grief.
I have another friend that I spoke to end of last week who has a mom that has been a drug addict for most of my friends life. She (my friend) raised herself with the help of so many people that stepped up to love her. In the last (less then a) year her mom got sober. Her mom held a job for longer then a few weeks. This was after a particularly bad time in which my friend had no choice but to cut ties with her until the mom could communicate when she wasn't high. Her mom started getting high again a few weeks back, and it all blew up last week. My friend also had a terrible falling out with one of the only sisters she's ever known. She's cried for days, and just is at a loss how to help, or sometimes even deal with this situation that's so much bigger then anything any of us should need to handle.
So much sadness, so much grief.
I can list the names of a few families that are processing miscarriages or still born babies, they aren't sure how they'll move forward but they're moving forward.
I have friends that are struggling with truly debilitating depression and panic disorders. They have or are trying medication. They're mostly just trying to get through life to the best of their ability and sometimes, that's just so overwhelming.
I was talking to Nicole on the way to church this morning about Tommy's friend that killed himself. She "knew" him and his family from her job, they would come in there and she would speak to them in that casual retail way that happens. She was lamenting how terrible it was, how just awful for his family and we were talking about the reasons he could have felt this was the only option. I mean, he was 18, less then 2 weeks graduated from high school with a wide open future ahead of him. Nicole said, he always seemed so...OK.
I replied, wouldn't it be nice if the damage were more visible.
Wouldn't it?
Like the hello my name is stickers we wear when we're getting to know groups of people, wouldn't it be nice if our damage were visible? Wouldn't that level the playing field so to speak?
Hello, my name is Bethany and I'm insecure and socially awkward, that's what mine would say most of the time now.
I was baptized in the fall of 2003 at Cedar Creek church in Perrysburg. Ben Snyder had us all type up our testimonies, he took our pictures, and then the night of the baptism he hung our testimonies on a giant cross. It was super powerful. I typed out for the first time for people to publicly read about how long I had wanted to die, or just disappear. Nicole was there that night too. She came over crying, asking me why I never told her any of that. I still don't know I suppose.
But for a long time I had this sense that all damage was to be kept invisible (if you were irresponsible enough to be damaged that is...)
But how nice would it be if we were able to walk around with our damage visible. I think that most of the time we'll be surprised by the number of people that will reassure us we're OK, and we're loved and cherished by them.
I overheard someone talking about me a few weeks ago, I can't remember if I wrote it on here... but I overheard him telling someone that I did a great job and that he was "so proud of me". That was salve to my insecure wounds.
A lot of the time when people don't apply salve to our wounds because they don't they exist. Imagine the healing that could happen if we aired our wounds out and let other people clean and comfort them...
I don't know this boy that killed himself, but I know what it's like to want to so badly and feel like not being able to even kill yourself is more proof of what a failure you are.
The future will be a new normal for everyone that love this boy, and for everyone that loves someone that loved him.
There is so much sadness and grief in this world, in our country, our states, cities, neighborhoods, homes, and sometimes in the other half of our beds. Maybe if we took a chance and made our damage just a little more visible we'll be surprised by how much love and support comes back at us.
For me, I will say that what helped me more then I can ever actually explain to anyone is the absolute saving grace of Jesus Christ. He saved me literally, figuratively, and eternally. It was not, by any stretch of the imagination, an overnight healing, it took a good 3 years for me to (at least thus far) permanently move past thoughts of harming myself. It has sucked and it has been hard, but it has been totally worth it.
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