Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning

It is very clear to me that changes have to be made.
After more tears then I've shed in a long time last night it was just so clear that all the balls I've been juggling have come crashing down and they lay shattered at my feet.

I've been keeping myself in the dark literally and figuratively about so much just hoping that somehow it would all work itself out. But it won't.
I can't continue to live life on what if and hopefully's, it just makes things that much worse.

In the dark though, there was light, hope, and reassurance that I can in fact depend on someone other then me. It seems like the most obvious of all answers, it seems like the most normal thing to know...but apparently I didn't.
Just when I seem to be getting a grasp on things "it" rears it's ugly head. Shame.
Shame that causes me to seal my lips and not want to be honest about the situation and what needed to happen. Shame that would rather have me hide myself to death instead of having conversations that aren't really that hard. Shame that would rather have me stay in the dark instead of pursuing light. Shame that causes me to look just to the side of things instead of facing them head on, dealing with them, and then moving on.
When I have conversations like this with other people, I couldn't be more reassuring that it will be ok, that it is ok, that they aren't alone. But I don't allow myself that same grace. When things are rocky by my own making I say terrible things to myself. I tear myself into shreds for my inattentiveness and I have no mercy on the idiocy of my behavior.
Last night, laying there in the dark, trying not to cry even harder, I was exposed as a fraud as a lip service junkie that refused to help herself or even allow others to.

But I don't want to be a lip service junkie, I don't want to be holed up in a shell hoping that no one dares crack it.
Weeping lasted all night. I still am struggling with the joy in the morning, my eyes were red from crying, my throat was clogged with sorrow. But I have faith that joy will come.

I have at least one person that will drop everything and come pull me up even when I insist they don't. Even when I believe I should be left to my own anguish, unworthy of redemption there is someone that will fight.

I have a God that saves. I have a God that hears the awful things I speak to myself in my head, I have a God that assures me they are not as true as I think they are.

Psalm 3:5
I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me