Last night I went to the big V church to see my friend Bill get baptized. It was great, as baptism services always are.
I went to big V church when I first moved down here for about a summer and some of the fall...until I found 4Corners which was so obviously my church home.
My friends Amy and Rich also came last night. Amy was diagnosed with cancer awhile ago (maybe a year?) and had chemo yesterday. But she came and celebrated Bill's baptism and worshipped God anyway. Which I think is just great.
I don't really know how long Amy and Rich have been married, but I know they've been through their fair share and then some. Throughout the service Amy and Rich would hold hands on and off, Rich would reach over and pat Amy's leg or just rest his hand there.
I don't really know if he knew she was struggling, or if it was simply an act of love, or if it was just a habit formed over years of being with someone no matter what.
But it made my heart smile.
Everytime I see a couple that isn't perfect, but does the imperfect relationship well it helps my heart...even if they don't know it.
Seeing the way that Amy and Rich interact with each other, not only last night but all the other nights we've had bible study, and at church and in classes, seeing that helps me see that it can be possible to love someone longer then until the fire burns out and farther then distance time takes you in a marriage.
It gives me hope that one day I'll be so used to this seemingly casual expression of holding hands, having a hand rest reassuringly on my leg or just the familiar cadence of such an intimate relationship that the nausea will no longer be there, that someone will still think the sun shines out my ass (you're welcome sharen).
I've been feeling very hopeful this week, and I've lately come to need all the hope I can get, especially when it comes to relationships.
At the service, in addition to the baptisms, there was a lot of worship. I love worship, big V church is very well known for theirs, they do it well. At one point the worship leader said that if anyone had a word of encouragement or wisdom or healing to bring it to *insert woman's name here* and she would announce it from the stage.
I mean, I get the gist of "words" that they are prophetic, from God, or words through which God will work. I didn't when I was first going to the church, and it sort of freaked me out.
I believe it happens. I believe it's true. But I also believe that it is faked a lot. I hate that I believe that.
I don't know any of the people that received words last night. But here is what they said:
They received a word of encouragement for people that are suffering from an illness. Stay strong and get prayer
They received a word of encouragement for people that struggle with smoking, to get prayer and release that burden to God
They received a word of healing for someone that had back problems
So on and so on, there were maybe 6 or 7 of them altogether.
They were pretty vague and some of them could have applied to me. Does that mean they were meant for me? I'm still pretty confused with the logistics of all this receiving of words thing. But I have faith that God is actively working through people in this way.
However, as I heard the words being read and they kept coming...I sort of felt pressured, like I wasn't praying right or urgently enough, like my receptors were broken somehow because I wasn't hearing a word from God for other people.
I mean, I've heard from God very clearly and specifically before and I know I will in the future, and not just about me and my life, but about other people.
So maybe that's where my hang up is.
That I also think that if God is speaking to us on behalf of someone else, wouldn't he be specific enough so that person could really receive it?
But that could also just be my fractured thoughts on how God should work. If I know anything for sure it's that I am not Gods puppet master and He will work within his greater, and more perfect understanding...and not mine.
I know it's my hang up, I know that the people at the big V church have well intended hearts (at least the leadership and that often translates to the attenders)....but it was still a situation beyond my comfort level (which apparently is where God wants me to live right now despite my fervent objections).
As the service was winding down a young woman came on stage and said that in the last 3 months her hearing has deteriorated to the point of 20% loss in both ears. She said she's been going to specialists and trying to find the cause and how to stop it. This woman said that during the worship, as she was worshipping God and praising him her ears popped and she can hear better then before her hearing started to fade.
She was healed.
My gut instinct was that it wasn't true. That makes me sad. It makes me wonder if I'm doubting God, or doubting that miracles still happen.
I suppose the reason I wanted to share that with you is this:
I am absolutely sold out on Jesus and the whole trinity divine thing. Absolutely no doubt in my mind, I will follow him wherever he takes me even farther outside my comfort zone then I currently am.
But I still have questions. I still have doubts and attitude problems.
I think that's ok. It's a relationship....I've only been in this relationship for 5 years. I have a lot to learn about God.
So if you know you're sure about the Jesus thing....then jump in and hold on for the rest of the trip because that's just the beginning.
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