I didn't even know I was lying

When I said you didn't break me
When I said I would be fine
When I assured you moving on wasn't that hard and I had already forgiven you
I didn't even know I was lying during all of those hours long conversations dissecting the lies you knowingly told.
It surprised me today when I was working through my panic that thoughts of you once again bubbled to the surface, like my shadow you are always with me even when I can't see you.
This damage is inconvenient to even me, trying to substitute relationally that which will never truly satisfy.

I say I love you without using those words