So much can change in a weekend

I entered this past weekend with a sense of....agitation, irritation, anger, sadness, I mean take your pick.
I felt unseen, misunderstood and exhausted. The exhaustion of late I know is coming from a sense of melancholy and displacement, and I'm battling against it as best I can. Prayers would help if you pray.
I've been really thinking about this whole outreach thing. I have a meeting scheduled with Ryan next Tuesday to go over the outreach possibilities and our "what's next" plans.
Equal or greater then my excitement at the idea of playing a substantial role in this ministry is this overwhelming fear that is growing inside of me. This idea that I won't be good enough, or helpful enough, or something enough.
It seems that this enemy is moving and trying to drag me away from something that I couldn't feel more passionate about.
To be honest, it scares the crap out of me. What scares me the most is this idea that I have to fight it alone, that I can't really trust anyone else to join in this battle with me.
Which is another lie.
I've kept mum about it mostly, because it seems to me that feeling this fear is a weakness of sorts and I don't want to seem unable or inept.
When I keep quiet about these fears it quickly (breathtakingly quickly) morphs into a sort of depression/irrational anger.
Its been an interesting process in my head of late.
I've known for quite some time what the "roadblock" is in this advancement. I've greatly lacked the esteem or courage to walk around this roadblock and move farther down this path that I strongly feel God is calling me to walk.
That's the funny thing about God though. Sometimes, he sends other people to help you move the roadblocks, and they're not always the people you would expect.
So I go into this weekend hoping to avoid conversations about my poor attitude of late. It seems to have succeeded. I had several phone conversations (well sort of, I didn't do a lot of talking, attitude problem and all) that seemed to end with allowing me to continue to wallow and practice my well honed avoidance skills.
Then at 330am Sunday I had exactly the conversation that I needed to have, and it seems to me that neither parties involved have a history of being very brave in regards to having the difficult conversations, but to me, it was like God was waking me up out of sorts and telling me to snap out of it. It. Was. Amazing.

The exact words of this conversation aren't really important. I don't even really want to share them in detail, because the conversation just meant so much to me. Like a wise person told me Sunday night, it's OK to keep some things just for me.
But in the course of this conversation several things happened.

I was sleepy and out of sorts, so I revealed a lot more about my state of sadness then I've to date revealed to anyone. It was well received and the other party expressed their deep desire to fix it, and their frustration that they couldn't

I also was much more open in my points of view and feelings on subjects that I have really never verbalized before.

The roadblock of sorts, that I've been so fearful of moving around for any number of reasons, was removed from my path by the most unexpected person. I felt the roadblock being removed both from my path, and from my shoulders. I wasn't brave enough, so God worked in someone that was. That God, man, He's so good!

I was seen. Noticed. Cared for in a way that I haven't felt in a very long time. The other party spoke from a place of concern for me because they wanted me to be happy, or at least less sad. Having someone see your need and then try to fill it, even if they don't succeed (which this party pretty much did) means so much. Especially when connected with such a strong belief, especially when it's what's the best for me but not the most fun thing to do. I really just can't articulate how much that meant to me....at least not without weirding out the other party and sounding like a drippy melodramatic girly girl.

Kind things were said to me. I have such a problem accepting compliments. I always want to deflect and pshaw it away. But nice things were said to me, and I heard them for what seems like the first time.

I think the moral of the story is, if you're not getting answers from me then use guerrilla tactic and wake me up at 330am (I'm kidding, please don't do this!)

I'm under no illusion that this is the end and there will be no more battles with the enemy. But I woke up Sunday feeling so much better then I have in months probably, even though I didn't get a lot of sleep. I felt...hopeful and optimistic about the path ahead, now I can see farther down it then before.
I went to church on Sunday and felt a renewed sense of worship during the service, just reveling in the goodness of God.
Ben started a new series on Pride this week. He talked about how most (all?) of the sins can be attributed back to pride. I'm not sure if that's right....here, listen for yourself.
http://www.4cornerschurch.com/message_pop.php?id=169&type=audio

But I think it's going to be a great series. I know that I have a lot of pride in the way I think I can "handle" myself and don't really depend on other people to drag me (sometimes kicking and screaming) out of these funks I insert myself in. How when I have a problem or concern or need, I don't allow other people to serve me by helping.
Truth be told, my conversation at 330 Sunday morning really laid a lot of groundwork for Ben's sermon on Sunday at 10. I have more often then not refused to allow this person to be there for me, when nothing they have ever done or said indicates it's unsafe to do so.
This person that doesn't necessarily believe what I believe, or maybe even want to, reached out across this chasm I was building between me and this dream that I refuse to acknowledge and yanked me back across. It changed more then I'm really willing to say on here, and for the better.

Today I woke up feeling this tug of despondency again, this idea that it's just not worth it and I'll fail anyway so why bother. But remnants of my Sunday morning conversation floated up through my heart, and it felt better.
I've been dealing with terrible, nasty, mean just because they can be customers this morning. But I feel joyful and contemplative, dreaming about what is to come.