Of Birds and Trees

This morning when my alarm went off I was so not feeling getting out of bed (as has been the pattern for the last month or so). I begrudgingly got up, showered, dressed, and wandered to my car.
As I was sitting at the intersection of Kemper and Winton I saw a huge flock of birds dive bombing telephone wires. But they didn't go straight for the landing. They flew back and forth, almost seeming to change their direction mid wing flap. Some would settle others would flit about as if they just couldn't quite get comfortable, still others hovered in their own little flocks angling for the best place on the wire or just not caring if they ever found a place on the wire, and still others flew far to the right and sat on the part of the line that anchors the telephone pole to the ground. So this last group was very literally sitting tilting down.
As I watched this, in apparently a very ADD moment I realized how many moments of my life could be found in the behavior of that one flock of birds.
Most of the time I feel like the last group, semi-settled, but having to constantly readjust because my world seems to be tilting substantially to the right (no political inferences here please, it's just a direction). Every once in awhile I have to jump and fly for a second and then I settle back in pretty quickly.
This seems to be how I feel with friends that I've known since forever and most family. I still feel slightly tilty (and that's so a word) but overall pretty settled.
In regards to what exactly it is that I want to do with my life....well, I feel like the part of the flock that flits back and forth, seemingly changing direction mid-flap. I've been to 4 colleges and I still have no degree to show for it, a fact I fear disappoints and disheartens the majority of people I know, and still no real concrete plan for what it is I want to be when I grow up. Does this make me a flake? Does this make me irresponsible, does this make me less in some way?
In what way has this indecision and lack of commitment to just seeing a degree through for the sake of graduating lessened the amount of "ideal perches" available for me to land on?
For relationships, of the romantic variety, I feel like the part of the flock that is in their own little clique and only hovers, never quite seems to settle.
I mean, I'm hanging out with friends, having what most of the time is filling and satisfying relationships with them. But sometimes, for a moment here or there, I look around and wonder where he is, or who he is. Am I just angling for the best place on the wire so to speak? Am I being to picky or am I being smart about this whole relational question? Or secret ninja option number three....am I hiding in the flock until the last possible minute so that I'm not held responsible for my being alone, it's merely a situational inevitability.
The last group, the group that flits about from place to place as if trying to find the most comfortable place....I think that's me in a nutshell (help help, how did I get into this tiny little nutshell!(love you jake!)). In all things I feel this unsettling, this idea that there's something, somewhere, someone else that may be a better fit. Is there ever a good time to say enough this is it? I mean, when does it stop being good sense to be particular about where you invest your heart, time, money and start being an intentional choosing to be alone and separate from what it is that should be important?
Who exactly decided what should be important anyway?
Each and every moment of my days this flitting about can happen, these big dreams that I dream and they never come to fruition. Is it really as simple as the 4 word decree that burnt it's way onto my heart so many years ago? "Bethany you're a flake!"
When will I feel ok not meeting the expectation of success that I am feeling more and more being thrust upon me? Ever, Never when?
Because I don't meet your definition of success does that make me a flake, irresponsible, unhappy, a freak?

So a few miles later on my drive to work this morning I was stopped at the light on Chester, getting ready to turn left towards 75. As I stared out my front window I saw 2 pine trees being tossed about so violently by the wind. Back and forth they would whip, pine needles falling off, the branches would slam into one another over and over again. I was sort of exhausted just looking at it. This scene reminded me of the conversation I had with person who shall not be named here for various reasons yesterday. For readers convenience we shall refer to person as A.
A was lamenting the state of A's mind, thoughts, soul, and heart yesterday. Things going wrong, things being said that wounded A and caused A to think in ways that were very destructive and self-sabotaging. That and so many other things that A told me I saw in the pine trees this morning. The constant wind, rain, slamming into action that was happening to A emotional, physical, mentally....sometimes it seems it will never end. The pine trees this morning were losing some needles, and I think one of them was about to lose a branch. Like the trees A has lost sleep, friends, money and confidence.
But as I'm staring at these trees I think of the conversation that A and I had following A's lamentation of the battle that was being waged against A's growth.
I believe there is a real enemy walking amongst us and this enemy hates it when anyone that he could claim as his starts drawing closer to God/Jesus. A has been really refining A's idea of a relationship with Jesus of late, really doing the hard work and self examination to enable A to draw closer to Jesus then maybe ever before. The enemy is infuriated and is blowing that wind and slamming against A as often as possible and as hard as possible in hopes that A will just give up pursuing this claim that God has on A's life.
A is being so brave, so much stronger then A thinks A can be. A bends but does not break, A doesn't know everything for sure, but A knows the sovereignty of God and that God is in that windstorm with A, holding A up and pushing back against the windstorm for A when A is not strong enough to do it on A's own.
So this morning when I was watching these pine trees fight the good fight, a great sense of pride and love welled up in me for A, just knowing what A fights against everyday, and seeing A's hold on God grow tighter and tighter.


So no matter which group of birds your in, know that it's ok for now and you don't have to be successful by anyones terms except God's and your own. (and I will try to take my own advice)
If you are a tree, blowing in a windstorm, know that God is with you even if you can't see him or feel him. The windstorm, it's not God, it's the enemy getting more mad with each inch you move closer to God. Stay strong and bend if you need to....