The truth is out there

I've been finding myself the observer or participant in a lot of conversations of late theologically speaking. Conversations that are about more then just a skipping through the meadows hand in hand with Jesus religion. They have been discussions of semantics and intent, tonality, and what the truth actually is, what it looks like and even the package that it's wrapped in. I'm a little exhausted to tell you the truth (insert irony.........here)
I'm not exhausted because I'm tired of the conversation, I'm exhausted because I feel at a loss as to how to participate. I feel under informed and education in theology, and I hear a groaning rising up in my heart to know more.
I also feel a little uncomfortable. In part because I don't know how to give validity to my point of view, in part because honestly some of my points of view don't really have validity...I just believe because I do...then I stick my fingers in my ears and yell, "I'M TAKING MY BALL AND GOING HOME" As I stomp off content in my blind faith.
But mostly, I'm uncomfortable because of the fear I associate with learning more. I'm afraid that if I learn more, then more will be expected of me. If more is expected of me then I will disappoint people. If I disappoint people, they will not love me or even like me. Stupid huh? I know.
How do I kick my butt out of this rut?
I'm stepping up and risking all the passion that I feel for outreach currently. In about 3 months, it's not just going to be between me and church leadership if all goes well. People will officially know. It's terrifying me.
The good news is that it's not terrifying enough to not do it. The fire has been lit hot enough that the excitement overwhelms the fear.
But then there is this knowledge issue.
On one of the forums, one that I don't visit that often, I'm lurking in the serious parts. Reading about reformed theology, Calvinism, and people who are defining themselves as this or that or even other things that I can't remember the names of. I don't know how I define myself in that that realm. Honestly, I'm not sure that it even matters to me. At this juncture it seems that people can get themselves all lathered up about which theological vein they're in, the definition of their beliefs, which catch phrase they're going to identify with. Emergent, non-emergent, non-denom, etc. People will argue until they're blue in the face about predestination and good vs. evil, the sovereignty of God vs. free will, the literal interpretation of the bible, the divine inspiration vs. human fallibility.
OK....when everyone else read that did they read:
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ?
Because I sort of did.
People that I'm lurking near are also being combative. Telling people to suck it up and get thicker skin....which I'm honestly guilty of as well, but not in the spiritual sense of the meaning.
So what's the point? What are we fighting for? If you win, what will you get?
In higher religious groups, I can understand the spirit of these debates. I can understand it. But why are we fighting with people that don't even understand that God sent His Son to die on the cross so that we can be reconciled to him? That I don't, and I don't think will ever understand.
Now....that that tangent is over.

In regards to the higher levels of religious groups.....
I think that my aforementioned issue with the debates and arguing is not that I'm not interested, it's that I feel completely under prepared for the conversations. I want to participate, I want to understand what they're saying but I don't. So what's the point? I try to knock them down to the emotionally driven level that I reside on all the time? I honestly vacillate (<-- One of my FAVORITE words BTW) between desperately wanting to be included and understand the conversation, and thinking that the people involved are a bunch on pompous *insert expletive here* trying to one up each other to make themselves feel better.
Can both be right at exactly the same time?

Finally, how much time and effort should I put into learning something when I could just be doing it? I find it hard to understand why I should spend all this time, alone, buried in a book that is by all accounts worth the time, when I could be out serving people in Christs name. How much will the knowledge help that? Why does it make me feel so damn selfish to take that time to study? Where would I start to study?
The most important question...what will happen if I grow intellectually? Will it change, or decrease the emotions that are driving this need, this passion for serving?

Ben said at church on Sunday (and I'm obviously paraphrasing), that most people will take a leap of faith for God, but only if they can see waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy down the path to what will happen if. When God is showing you the first few steps, and then when you take the leap of faith...he'll show you a few more steps.
I'm petrified to take this leap, but my legs are growing weary of balancing on the ledge.